First of all - thanks to you all for the prayers and sweet comments that you've posted. I really appreciate them all, even though at times I feel like I depress everyone around me, and I hate that. However, maybe some of this will help you guys at some point. Also, know that if you EVER need a shoulder to cry on believe me I am always here, and now I have so much empathy I'll probably cry with you hehe.
How funny it is that at one moment I am doing alright, and getting through while the next minute my stomach is in knots, and I'm struggling. This is such a weird season for me! At church tonight I had a really good reminder about how God's power is best displayed through our weaknesses, but man...this is not fun. Haha, that is hilarious! Why do I expect my struggles and weaknesses to be easy? Doesn't that contradict the whole point of a weakness? I guess I just think that I shouldn't have to go through this, that dealing with the physical is soo much easier then the emotional; boy was I wrong. *sigh*. You know how you have a picture in your mind of the perfect wedding, house, or kids? Yeah, well I had the perfect idea of what life would look like. I mean heck I've dealt with a lot over my 23 years, right? I was like; "I have this under control - I can deal with this". HAHAHA - yeah right, I didn't see this curve ball...so can't handle it. I'm like the kid that looks up at their Dad saying "Dad I thought I could do it myself, but I totally messed it up. Can you fix it?" (SFL - no panicking ;p).
My mom has been here for the past week or so, and that has been an awesome support, but unfortunately it doesn't fix it all. Can you be bipolar, depressed, and anxious all at the same time?? :p I know that working through things take time, but part of me wishes that I had a guarantee that I was working towards something. Right now its hard, I'm looking to the future, trying my best to eat well, focus on the good, get involved with people here (i.e. not being so isolated), and really get back to the Lord. Maybe it just takes time. I guess I'm trying not to change everything in my life, and instead give things time to help. Its easy to wonder if I should attempt to move to day shift at all cost (i.e. switching jobs), if I need to go talk to "someone" (/e thinks that I would tell them I same things I say here - and what are they going to say?), or explore the thought that all this originates from some physical ailment. Poor Paul!! How I can understand his "thorn in the flesh"!
Maybe this is Gods' way to strip my pride? It is so hard for me to look people in the face and say that actually life sucks right now. I feel like I'm always the one with a smile, and to have the table turned is very humiliating in a way because I feel like one of those people on Dr Phill who we all laugh at saying how messed up their lives are, and "if only they knew Jesus". Well, here I am, a roller coaster mess. I really do hope that this is a God lesson, but you know what - even if it isn't does that mean His is in any less control of it? No. I guess I just want the assurance that there is an end to this, that I'm going to get "back to normal", that I'm not going to turn into some permanent mental case. Well, on a positive note - if that happens I guess I can quit work, get disability (for some mental disorder), and learn to knit. Haha, ok I don't think that is going to happen, or at least I'm clinging to the hope that it won't. I've always felt that God has a plan for me (not that I know what that is). I think I'm rambling, but somehow you guys on here have been an awesome life-line for me to just pour out my mess. It's not pretty, it's not even something you probably want to read, but it's my story, so thanks for listening.
2 comments:
This is mainly for my father's benefit, so he doesn't worry too much. Although, it is sad that I'm the first to comment on my own blog...But, yeah - so I am going to be hitting up the Dr. I hope this week to have them suck some blood from me, so we can rule out that this is a physical issue (i.e. thyroid or hormone imbalance). Just so you know - and don't worry. I actually think I might be relieved if it was hormones (not that it makes any of this wrestling invalid). Ok - thats all...hehe
oh, a hearty cyber "you're welcome". It's good to know if I ever would need a inter-hug or inter-shoulder to inter-sniffle on you would be virtually there for me. it makes my virtual innerds warm and relaxed. (oops, I think we just had a CODE BROWN here. could we get a clean up crew here STAT!).
Sorry for that.
well let's get back to the topic here, what i was going to say is that we should keep inter-crying to a minimum as that could cause electrical interruptions. Water and electricity should never be mixed; unless of course your attempting to conduct electrolysis for producing your own hydrogen and oxygen. *he*
i'm glad you're at least recognizing the struggles, that's the first step towards resolution. you probably don't want your father to fix your problems, i seem to recall his previous attempts at various repairs usually resulted further damage, ultimate failure, and having to purchase a new model of whatever was being repaired. sorry for telling your faults over the universal web, but facts are facts. If he were lucid enough I'm sure he would be writing to tell you that the "Big F" father is a better source for all important repair/refresh operations.
regarding your question about the potentiality of having multivariate problems, the answer is an resounding YES! the world works on multivariate processes and that's why we pay engineers and scientists the quasi-big money because they know how to handle large multivariate processes. so never go to a psychiatrist or psychologist to deal with complicated problems, go to an engineer! just don't expect a lot of soothing words in the process, their brain's regions dealing with social interaction are severely atrophied. Indeed some would say frunken, or at least frinking at an alarming rate (if they're adolescent engineers of course).
rest assured, there is an end to this phase. your job is to recognize the things you should do, and when to do them. that's where wisdom is applied (and learned in the process). other humanoids can be of some help here if you choose to ask selected ones, but your Father is the best place to start and finish. just don't wait for "words" from Him, be relaxed and listening for information in every possible situation. you'll hear, i'm positive of that. but you may walk with a limp afterwards. *he*
ps - yes it is pathetic to be answering your own blog postings! as the wise sage once said, "get in, sit down, shut up, and hang on!"
Post a Comment