I think that I've forgotten what normal life is like. When do normal people eat, sleep, etc? I think that I no longer know....Actually, what is sad is that I don't even know if I'll be able to re-adjust to "real-life". At times I think I'd miss the late night chats with some of my friends on msn, or having that quiet uninterrupted time since no one else is awake. Then there are so many times when I think about what life was BEFORE work. Sleeping when it was dark out, feeling normal, having friends, being busy with school, etc. Hmmm, how can two years some how make 22 seem like so long ago? I really have trouble remembering some times what it was like...
This is really just my own ramblings so please feel free to skip over!
I've been thinking a lot about how moving or something might help me not feel so insane, but then I realized that perhaps it wouldn't make a difference. There are people who have worked nights for years, I wish I knew their secret. Its not that I have trouble staying awake, actually I think I've become a little bit of an insomniac (perhaps part of the issue). Then I thought, well maybe its due to me spending too much time on my computer, but to be honest what else do you do at 2am when everyone is sleeping and you're wide awake? I think I would go more insane if I wasn't on my computer. I've also thought that maybe it is due to the fact that with my weird schedule I no longer have any purpose in life other then work. It has become my personal opinion that that is why people have a midlife crisis, it just usually doesn't hit until your 40-50s. I mean think about it! Most people get married, have kids, etc in their early twenties thereby making those years very busy after college. Once 40 comes around though and all the kids leave the house then reality sets in, and the search for significance is on. Some people fill their lives with work, projects, hobbies, etc and I think that those people tend to weather midlife better than those that are left empty handed.
Unfortunately, I think I've hit midlife 20 years too early. Not that being independently single is a bad thing, after all there are some great pros to singledom. However, I've hit that wall of lonely meaninglessness...Perhaps that is part and parcel with everything I've been struggling with, and working to overcome.
Don't get me wrong, work is starting to even out, and not be nearly as stressful as it was. The other days of the week though I try to find something to do. I've attempted some painting and drawing, reading, my computer, going for walks, and just about anything else around the house. That's why I've joined the book club, and writer's group. I've also looked into volunteering at the local animal shelter, joining the ymca, and thought about maybe helping out at the church. I know I can't force some "meaning" in life, but it is a very frustrating experience to feel like you don't even live in the world any more, like times you're awake or asleep just pass you by like zombies.
As depressing as that sounds I'm still pushing through. I'm still trying to eat like I should, get out of the house, sleep (which I think really does negatively effect me when I miss it), and find some things where I can meet people. Let me tell you, its hard!!! I think I sound worse on here then I do if you talk to me, because it a lot harder for me to describe whats up when I talk - I just come on here and vent it all out. I just keep thanking Jesus for family and friends that I can talk to day or night. I also keep telling myself that its ok to cry, be nervous, or vent emotions its better then bottling it up! The brain is an amazing yet scary thing - and I know that God made us to be whole creatures delighting in Him, and wholly abandoned to Him. How hard that can be to walk out in daily life!
I feel like this blog is turning into the depressing rantings of some lunatic, haha...I hope though in some small corner of your heart it encourages you that there is hope, that you can keep pushing on no matter what you're going through, and no matter if there is not another soul who can see the tears running down your heart Jesus sees them all. I like to think that one day when I get to meet Him he will hand me my bottle of tears (seen and unseen), and I will kneel before him and wash His feet with the tears of my brokenness.
1 comment:
Normal people....
Normal people......
Normal people???????
Whom are normal people?
The one's on TV?
No, I know, it's the one's on Jerry Springer, right?
How about the one's on Oprah, surely she would have normal people on her show.
How about the one's on the 700 Club. They're Christian's. and all Christian's are normal, aren't they?
I'm sure the multi-millionaires, billionaires, supermodels, super-star athletes, singers, super-star actors and actresses are normal. How could they get so famous if they weren't recognized for their normalcy?
I know whose normal, it's the psychologists and psychiatrists, they've got to be normal right? If they aren't how can they help the non-normal?
Actually, we should probably step back and define normal. Is it those within one standard deviation of the mean? Two standard deviations? What is the "mean"? Before we can decide how much deviation from normalcy is permissable we really should decide what measures of normal we will use.
What are some good measures? Number of outbursts of anger? Tears? Laughter? How about the number of times you've lied, cheated, given money to someone in need, volunteered, cussed, ignored your "friends", been imprisoned for crimes, gotten speeding tickets?
Is normalcy living within the bounds of our culturally accepted behaviors? But those vary from region to region and sub-group to sub-group. Is it defined by the media? If they publish your life's behaviors would others criticize them?
So in the final analysis, is normal a relative measure? Is it how you "feel" at any given time?
Or are we just living like a pinball, rolling along in life, occasionally bouncing off the bumpers of societally defined normalcy? Some of us bounce off the bumpers more than others. Maybe the normal people are the one's with the lowest pinball score. The one's who don't have to be pushed back into the game by the bumpers or paddles. Maybe the winners are the one's who careen off the all the obstacles in the game field, finally falling through the center paddles and into the collector at the bottom of the game. Sounds a little fatalistic, eh?
An aimless, meaningless life isn't really age dependent.
Here's some suggested questions to ponder.
Are you doing what you have wanted to do in work and play?
Are you living where you want to live?
Are you saying to yourself, "I wish I could do that"?
Do you think you were born for a reason or purpose?
Are you saying, "I wish I could meet SFL and look upon it's face every day"?
Are you saying, "I love hunting for rocks, indentifying them, cutting them, polishing them, making jewelry from them"?
Clair, I encourage you to not let your life be controlled by what others tell you is normal, or what even you think others think is normal. Answer the questions above, think up others and answer them as required, and enjoy yourself. This is the only life you have, and at the end you do not get a score for how normal you lived and thus get a gold star on your forehead.
Oh, don't bother listening to me, I'm a cynical, frunken-lobed, fifty-something, neanderthal who has no idea what it's talking about!
He!
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