Theory Behind the Midlife Crisis

Once again, I must insist that whatever you read here should be no cause for panic, I am no Emo kid (/e points to google search engine) with suicidal inclinations. Actually, far from it. I am more in a soul searching, midlife crisis sort of time. I know - I know; you can tell me all you want that midlife crisis are for the 40s+ generation (sorry guys), but definately not for me.

The funny thing about "midlife" is that it is the time where all the things that we have surrounded ourselves with that keep up busy seem to fall away. Look at the average person. They finish highschool and either get married right then, or go to college, getting married shortly after graduation. Then come kids, sleep overs, homework, sports, clubs, as well as keeping up with work and your home. I think that we can so often surround ourselves with so much business so that we don't have to answer the question that always looms like a dark cloud on the horizon. Is there anything in life that truely matters? I mean come on now - be honest. How much of what we do avoids the painful sitting in the quiet place asking ourselves how much of our lives are like filler fluff? Can I call it my Ecclesiastes moment?

Growing up I never understood that book, it seemed to go against my optomistic spirit. Now, I think I'm going to take a good look at the wisdom hidden in such sarcastic words. I think in reality we have to come to a place where we understand that there is NOTHING in this life that will somehow give us the fulfillment that we crave. What then is the point to this life? It's about relationship with Jesus. That sounds like the cookie cutter answer, but more and more I think that it's true. Is it wrong to fill our lives with business? No. People were made for company, to interact with others (/e quotes Genesis). However, I guess that it's too easy to lose focus that our primary target is refining our own hearts in the heat of the fire God places in our lives, and some of those fires will revolve around interactions with others (i.e iron sharpens iron), and some of our ability to interact with people will come out of the refined places of our hearts. I don't know if that makes any sense...but once again this is my place to vent so you'll have to bear with me.

Someone once told me that the "here and now" was kind of like school, that it was a training time before true life began. That the short time we have here is a place to grown in the Lord, knowing that the lessons (albeit hard ones) that we go through now are refining us into the true people that the Lord created to fellowship with and live in the New Earth (after the 2nd coming). I must be rambling...Well, I promised I would update, so I think this will have to do for now. I'm hanging in there!! More to come soon!

The Dark Place

So...I'll give you a little disclaimer prior to you delving into this post, that I have been in a bit of a dark time lately, and if you aren't up to it you may want to hold off reading. However, this is my blog, and so you have to put up with me.

That said, I am sitting here on my couch at 2am feeling the tears run down my face, knowing that I'll look like a sun burnt marshmallow tomorrow. You may be wondering what is with all these uncharacteristic emotions, and the honest truth; I wish I knew. I guess that is part of the frustration. I would like to have a solid answer and why, but what do I have? Nothing; darkness, emptiness, whatever adjective you want to describe the swirling hole that has settled in my soul. Its funny you know...actually ironic...I have always seen myself as being unemotional to a fault, and now I cry over everything. Wow, I'm not sure I should be typing this, but its the best way for me to put into words my struggle, and all I can do is pray that the Lord uses my darkness to pull you closer to him.

I guess I should say that this point has been beginning since I went on a weekend trip this Fall, and experienced almost an anxiety attack when I went to sleep each night. I contributed it to switching from nights to days. However, it has persisted to be almost every morning when I would lay down to sleep, and now it seems that my life is enveloped in some internal struggle. I have contemplated whether its work, sleep (or the lack there of), money, spiritual attack, illness, loneliness, stress, etc that is causing this, but I have no answers. You know what is funny? I feel like I am standing on an empty road, a cross breeze blowing my hair across my face as I look backwards down the road. I can see the times in my life when these feelings had not yet taken root; when even in the hard times I wasn't afraid to wake up or go to sleep. Perhaps struggles are only half as painful because we have a prior - a time before them that seems to mock us from the safety of the past. There I stand on that road, not wanting to look ahead because all I can see is a barren wilderness, and yet the emptiness of it all propels me forward out of sheer need. One thing I can say is that this darkness has pulled me back from a place of wandering from the Lord to a tender place on my knees. It has given me a totally new mercy for people that have struggled with this for years, and if I didn't have my family and a God who -even in the midst of it all I know is bigger - then I think I would crumble. There is this song by Tenth Avenue North which rings so true in my heart, and maybe it will for you too.

"How long must I pray, must I pray to You? How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me. I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the dropping rain, One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
Cuz I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will you run to me?

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't sleep but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name."

I have no answers, I wish I did. All I can say is that if you have ever gone through something that you feel like sucks every last piece of life and hope out of you, don't give up; keep pressing on. Books like The Shack and When the Heart Waits have been like silk string holding me up from this hole; fragile and yet in the moment the strongest thing keeping you from free falling. Who knows where this will take me. I have contemplated everything from quiting work to going to therapy, and everything in between. One thing I do know; things can't stay the same. I am going to make a conscious effort to make relationships here, to get active, and to get involved in community, although right now that seems unappealing.

In 1933 Franklin D. Roosevelt stated in his inaugural address; "...let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance". That statement is so true!! In the midst of fear is actually when pressing head on is the MOST important! I remember one time when I was little being taken on my first Ferris Wheel ride by my dad, and part way up the clutches of panic tore at me as I looked down at the ground growing farther away. Instead of telling me to shut my eyes, I remember my dad having me quote out loud 2 Timothy 1:7. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and a strong mind." I have never forgotten that verse. You would think that with all this in mind I could some how just deal - but I suppose that is the twisted way emotions and dark times work. There is no logic sometimes, and there is no quick fix. All I can say is "Jesus come and take my sinful, broken heart and bring me back to you. Don't give me more then I can handle, and help me to remember that there is no dark hole that you can't light up". That said, if anyone actually made it through that whole post please be praying with me that I could rest in God (apart from fear which is not from Him). Thanks for bearing with me through an excruciatingly long post. I have been meaning to type up something about this, and I guess tonight was it. I'm sure I will be posting again soon, thank you for giving me room to air out my thoughts!

Merry Christmas!

It is hard to believe that another year has come and gone!! I had started another post about some of the stuff that I've been going through this Fall, but I think a summary would do. This Fall has been very challenging for me, as with any move it can be hard to get adjusted, and I think that I have been dealing with a good bit of lonelyness. However, I am hoping to be on the upward swing, with some help from my God and my amazing family. I will keep you updated as I try to make a concious effort to get out of the house on my days off and do some fun activities to stay connected with people. I think that God has been doing some work on my heart to, which hasn't been fun, but it has been good, and I know that the outcome will be worth it!! One thing that was helpful during this season, was a book that my mom had been asking me to read since this summer. Sometimes there are just perfect times to read things, and the Shack was definately a book I needed to read now. If you haven't read it I would recommend that you do. I know that you may have heard some conflicting comments about it, and it may not really be in your "religous" comfort zone. However, if you want a book that will stretch you, and open your eyes to a different view of God then you may ever have had then you'll like this book. Hehe, that was my little push for my newest read ;-).

Otherwise, we were able to enjoy some days with my parents prior to Christmas which was soo fun. I am a very fortunate person to have an amazing family that excluding occasional spats really gets along very well. Although Christmas hasn't really seemed like what it was when I was a kid, it definately is still wonderful as long as you're with the people you love. I hope that you all have a blessed holiday season, and a fabulous start to your New Year.

O Christmas Tree

I know that everyone says that you should never put up your Christmas tree before Thanksgiving, however this year we are breaking the rule due to the fact that our family is coming into town for our big family Thanksgiving/Christmas. That said, my sister and I finally got our tree and blasted the Christmas music while setting it up and decorating. It was so much fun! We went with red and gold with white lights, and a nice red/gold bow at the top. I looks awesome, and much to our suprise the cat has not made a true effort at knocking it over - I'm so proud! I will definately have to do an update to all the festivities this weekend, so stay tuned.

Update

Time for another blogging update at an atrocious time of the night for most of you. My last several days off I have done a major cleaning out of my computer hard drive, which has caused me to think that I am just computer savvy enough to be dangerous. On some levels it was a great thing seeing as I had sooo much junk clogging up my computer space, and I was brutal in deleting files and programs. I mean - I had old documents from high school saved, and tons of PowerPoint's from nursing school...I probably could have taught four years of school just from my saved files (its scary in there!). Thus, I deleted, and deleted in the hope to open up a lot more space on my C: drive. Mm, ok the honest truth...I am a total computer nerd!! I was prompted to do this whole Fall cleaning due to the fact that I was wanting to download a new program on to my computer. The sad fact is that even after deleting tons of crap...I still am short like 2GB of space, which has me thinking that the program is entirely to large, and I should just forgo the whole adventure. We'll see who knows, perhaps I'll get bored and decide to upgrade my computer by hand, muahaha (as my computer attempts to hide). Yeah for being bored at 3am!!! Stay tuned for further updates, I'll try to remember to keep you posted on the computer. ;-)

Leaves

Today was one of those chilly, dreary, sprinkly kind of days. It was so appealing to have some fresh air, so I went outside to rake the backyard. I think that there must have been half a foot of leaves on the ground, because I now have three giant piles in my yard - I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do with them, I guess I need to see if the city picks them up...Oh, the joys!

This week I've been trying to decide if I want to start graduate school this coming semester, due to the fact that work will pay for it. However, I'm not yet sure what I want to do - and to be honest the thought of starting school again is slightly repulsive, so I guess we'll wait and see. It is a very nice benefit to have a degree like that on my resume, but.....yeah..........

Fall Time

I think that there are special people in this world destined to create titles to books, movies, and blogs...I am not one of those people - not even close...

I highly doubt anyone reads this anymore, due to my haphazard blog posts; however in some respects that is rather liberating. It is like being able to have a journal, a place where I can put words to the crazy thoughts rolling around in my brain; a journal where occationally someone as crazy as myself braves the webesphere (like my new word?) for a glimps into my internal mullings. Scary thought indeed.

The last several weeks have consisted of work, sleep, cleaning my house, and wandering cyberspace. Scratch that - I did actually go to the park last week to swing on the swingset for about half-an-hour. We have had some beautiful days this fall, and Velvet and I do enjoy some walks in the sun.

One nice evening I shared with my sister this week had me dragging her out to Lowe's (which by the way is one of my favorite stores - it smells good and there are no rudd people with carts) in order to find a Christmas tree and decorations so we can decorate after thanksgiving. We had lots of fun picking out how we wanted our tree to look, and I can't wait till we get to set it up, and see the vision take form. My poor sister...being an available listening ear may have not been on her agenda, but being the good sport that she is she graciously listened as I bemoaned my ticking biologic clock - ode to PMS. ;-) All in all we had some good sisterly bonding time, one of the benefits of finally living close.

Music City

Well, I'm finally getting settled in after my first week at work, which was mainly a lot of sitting and listening to policies. I must admit though the whole system is amazing. There are somewhere around 22,000 people who work and attend the medical center and university. Over 1 million people flowed through this micro-world last year. The amount of research, and learning that occurs here is amazing! Its kind of like going back to school in some ways, the medical center is surrounded by university, so you have medical staff, students, residents, teachers, patients, visitors, etc all meshing together. It is like a little city within a city! Hehe, and the nice part is that as staff we can have access to all the university stuff as well as the medical stuff. Woot! Hey I'm already part of my first research study, studying whether a pertussis vaccine eliminates your need for antibiotics after exposure.

Otherwise, the house looks soo cute. We're pretty settled, although there are still boxes laying around. The cat and dog are content enjoying their rule and reign. The weather has been amazingly nice too, although I get eaten by mosquitos outside, which puts a damper on my reclining on the porch. Oh well!!

Let me know if you need my new address. My phone and email have stayed the same ;-) Thank you all for your prayers, thoughts, and help throughout this process! Who knows where I'll head next, but I think I'm ready for a perminant place for a little.

Home Sweet Home

Well, we are finally moved in! I thought that day would never come, and my poor mother - I think I drove her crazy by constantly calling asking her to remind me that I was still somewhat sane. However, all that being said and done I am soo glad that my sister and I are settled here, and that we love it! Now I hope you know me well enough to know that the move was not without some very funny quotes on my end, and some crazy adventures.

Our first adventure occurred on the second day in the new house. My sister's boyfriend and his brother had come to help us move in, and they were awesome. Unfortunately, the keys to the boy's car were lost in the Bermuda triangle for keys; never to be found. This was bad on several fronts. First, the boys couldn't get home without a car...definitely need keys for that. Second, the car was parked behind the moving truck in the driveway...note to self - its really hard to get a giant moving truck out of a driveway when there is something parked behind. I suggested backing the truck over the car, but that was vetoed. Not getting the moving truck out that day was not an option though because the rental truck had to be turned in that evening.

Finally after most of the day attempting to get keys we realized that the moving truck had to get out - therefore we placed the car in neutral and pushed it out of the driveway long enough for me to pull the truck out (push the car back into the driveway) and return it. Prior to this I will tell you that we spent about 8 hours looking for the key and attempting to get a new key. We searched everywhere inside and out of the house...no luck. We drove to multiple car dealers with the hope of getting a new key - actually we did end up getting a new key from one dealer. To bad it was a key to the door not the ignition (we had already had AAA come out to open the door)...We even contemplated a six hour round trip drive to pick up a new set from the boy's house. In the end we hot wired the car (is that illegal??)(I might add after another couple trips to Lowe's (I love that store) for wires, a soldering kit, etc) and prayed that the wiring would hold all the way home.

To conclude: The truck was returned safely, the car was started, the boys got home safely, and we all slept REALLY well that night.

Let me just say that moving always holds surprises (at least for me), and there are always unexpected twists. I can't wait though to have some more stories for you soon!!

More scar art!

As I sit here typing I am sitting in the most awkward position ever trying to reach my computer stretch one leg out and not run into the wall. You would probably laugh at the sight! The question you might ask is how or why am I in this most uncomfortable position? Well, I have been adding to my collection of body scar art...ok, ok, so its not technically scar art, but I have to call all my mole/possible cancer removal spots something. As of yesterday I have a matching scar on the back of my left leg to the one on my right. And it hurts....yeah think of all you do with your legs, now think of doing it with stitches. Oh well, I'm just hoping that I can survive 12 hours of work with minimal pain. Note to self - take the elevator!

Nashville or Bust!

Today has been a good day! I could use some sleep seeing as I only got about 4 hours, but my lack of sleep was for a good cause. The Nashville hospital called today and offered me the position I had interviewed for, Wooopeee! Now the fun begins...where are those moving boxes?? Wish me luck as my sister and I begin the serious search for a house, and work on moving. I will try to take some fun pictures of the process.

Needless to say this summer is going to fly by. I will be done working in 3 weeks, trying to move in 5 weeks, going to my aunts for a visit, then heading to see the parents for a couple weeks so that I can relax, have some fun, reenact, and go to my friends wedding all before August 11th. Whew...."these feet are made for walking, and thats just what they do...." I think I wish my feet were made of lead ;-). More later!!

Summer has Begun

Hmm, so let me start off by saying that I have been horrid at keeping up with my blog. However, life is crazy as usually, so don't be too hard on me!

Summer is in full swing here, pollen and all; which fortunately for me is a non-event. Summer also marks the start of trauma season for the hospital as people are outside doing crazy things. Have I said lately how much I love my job? I guess that is a good thing, not many people can say! Granted there are days where I'd rather be anywhere but working, and the politics of work (ie. the hospital hierarchy) stink, but despite all of that I LOVE what I do.

Speaking of work, the newest info on the horizon is the possibility that I will be moving to the home city of all things music ;-). Yup that's right, Nashville, TN! Now nothing is set in stone, but the ball is rolling towards me working at a large children's hospital there in the same position that I have now. Its a wonderful opportunity as the acuity of there patients is much higher, and their unit is much bigger. I will keep you updated as plans progress.

As for the most recent adventures I spent Memorial Day grouting my friend from work's kitchen. Now before this little project began I was very naive as to the labor require in grouting. However, my body assures me that it is the most painful thing I have ever EVER done. Haha, granted we had fun doing it....but I think that every muscle in my body hurts and there are blisters on my hands like you wouldn't believe. Hmm, maybe its a good work out. If nothing else the kitchen looks amazing now - renovations are definitely rewarding. Note to self: think VERY carefully before taking on a renovation project. It also has me thinking that I can understand why early houses were small and lacked...complications.