The Dark Place

So...I'll give you a little disclaimer prior to you delving into this post, that I have been in a bit of a dark time lately, and if you aren't up to it you may want to hold off reading. However, this is my blog, and so you have to put up with me.

That said, I am sitting here on my couch at 2am feeling the tears run down my face, knowing that I'll look like a sun burnt marshmallow tomorrow. You may be wondering what is with all these uncharacteristic emotions, and the honest truth; I wish I knew. I guess that is part of the frustration. I would like to have a solid answer and why, but what do I have? Nothing; darkness, emptiness, whatever adjective you want to describe the swirling hole that has settled in my soul. Its funny you know...actually ironic...I have always seen myself as being unemotional to a fault, and now I cry over everything. Wow, I'm not sure I should be typing this, but its the best way for me to put into words my struggle, and all I can do is pray that the Lord uses my darkness to pull you closer to him.

I guess I should say that this point has been beginning since I went on a weekend trip this Fall, and experienced almost an anxiety attack when I went to sleep each night. I contributed it to switching from nights to days. However, it has persisted to be almost every morning when I would lay down to sleep, and now it seems that my life is enveloped in some internal struggle. I have contemplated whether its work, sleep (or the lack there of), money, spiritual attack, illness, loneliness, stress, etc that is causing this, but I have no answers. You know what is funny? I feel like I am standing on an empty road, a cross breeze blowing my hair across my face as I look backwards down the road. I can see the times in my life when these feelings had not yet taken root; when even in the hard times I wasn't afraid to wake up or go to sleep. Perhaps struggles are only half as painful because we have a prior - a time before them that seems to mock us from the safety of the past. There I stand on that road, not wanting to look ahead because all I can see is a barren wilderness, and yet the emptiness of it all propels me forward out of sheer need. One thing I can say is that this darkness has pulled me back from a place of wandering from the Lord to a tender place on my knees. It has given me a totally new mercy for people that have struggled with this for years, and if I didn't have my family and a God who -even in the midst of it all I know is bigger - then I think I would crumble. There is this song by Tenth Avenue North which rings so true in my heart, and maybe it will for you too.

"How long must I pray, must I pray to You? How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me. I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the dropping rain, One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
Cuz I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will you run to me?

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't sleep but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name."

I have no answers, I wish I did. All I can say is that if you have ever gone through something that you feel like sucks every last piece of life and hope out of you, don't give up; keep pressing on. Books like The Shack and When the Heart Waits have been like silk string holding me up from this hole; fragile and yet in the moment the strongest thing keeping you from free falling. Who knows where this will take me. I have contemplated everything from quiting work to going to therapy, and everything in between. One thing I do know; things can't stay the same. I am going to make a conscious effort to make relationships here, to get active, and to get involved in community, although right now that seems unappealing.

In 1933 Franklin D. Roosevelt stated in his inaugural address; "...let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance". That statement is so true!! In the midst of fear is actually when pressing head on is the MOST important! I remember one time when I was little being taken on my first Ferris Wheel ride by my dad, and part way up the clutches of panic tore at me as I looked down at the ground growing farther away. Instead of telling me to shut my eyes, I remember my dad having me quote out loud 2 Timothy 1:7. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and a strong mind." I have never forgotten that verse. You would think that with all this in mind I could some how just deal - but I suppose that is the twisted way emotions and dark times work. There is no logic sometimes, and there is no quick fix. All I can say is "Jesus come and take my sinful, broken heart and bring me back to you. Don't give me more then I can handle, and help me to remember that there is no dark hole that you can't light up". That said, if anyone actually made it through that whole post please be praying with me that I could rest in God (apart from fear which is not from Him). Thanks for bearing with me through an excruciatingly long post. I have been meaning to type up something about this, and I guess tonight was it. I'm sure I will be posting again soon, thank you for giving me room to air out my thoughts!