In the light of my recent bout with the flu, and the fact that I have figured out how to kill myself were life to ever get "too much" (i.e. ingesting 28 of my mom's sticky buns) I was told that I should have a Will. This is difficult for me, because I don't really have anything of intrinsic value; well, maybe my favorite pair of flip flops. However, WOT was very pointed that if I don't have a Will then when one of my patient's bites my head off the court can assign my assets to a third party like a bank who can charge fees, etc. That all said here goes...
To Whom it May Concern:
I'm dead/dying/or you're contemplating pulling the plug. Its ok, don't feel bad - say eeeeettttt.
The point is you will have to be making decisions about the junk that fills the house. Personally, anyone who wants it can have it. If you'd like to press DOT into responsibility you can make her sort through it all, otherwise I'm sure WOT will have at it. If there is no family around, then please find the local jail and let someone there decide what to do over leaving me in the hands of a lawyer.
As for my health care. Use your common sense, don't get too attached this world isn't all its cracked up to be ;-). Please shave my legs if I'm unconscious for weeks, believe me it wouldn't be a pretty sight. Feel free to donate my organs if you want, I won't be there for it.
The End
Me
*** Any other suggestions?
16 comments:
well, that's a nice start there clair.
we could not pull the plug clair. actually we could hook up little white or blue blinking christmas lights to lend cheer. however we might disable to alarm once it's not longer telling us anything we don't already know, or smell.
neither wot or i could part with you. should you expire before we leave, we've considered taxidermy for our surrogates, along with our cats, to ensure constant company from our "family". you just tell us which pet you'd like to be located next to. perhaps you'd rather have one or more of them attached to you to lend a more realistic motif.
as for divving up the remnants, i for one want my ps2 back if you kick the bucket. you can take the skiing program with you, but i want grand tourismo back. i'd also like to have your car, but not if i have to make the payments. so you can't croak until you pay it off. so hurry up, time's a wastin'.
i am hurt to hear that any cutting device has touched the hair on your legs. so, in keeping with the family-thal tradition, your legs will not be shaved should you continue living; with or without life support. should your leg hair get back to normal family-thal length we will braid it per our centuries old custom.**
as for your internal organs, since you are an alien-human hybrid, your internal organs are of no value to normal humans. they will be kept in place, or maybe i'll put them in canopic jars. we would put little smiley stickers obtained from wal-mart to add some color and fun.
** - this segment in no way constitutes any suggestion that wot does not, or ever has not shaved her legs. this segment is not approved by wot.
after listening to further chin-music from wot, this entire posting is considered totally wrong and she approves of none of it.
i however find myself quite entertaining and love to hear more from me about what i think is funny. the end
This family chat about your death is very encouraging to me (in an ego-centric introspective kind of a way). When I read your post then your dad's comments, I thought, "Hmmph...they were a homeschooling family with a very odd sense of humor, and they produced some great kids. So, maybe there is still hope for the Wanna Be's children. (Some days I wonder.)" Thanks for the laugh guys!
I think I'm correct in saying "thank you", although I'm not sure if you're insinuating that we are narcissistic, or admitting you're narcissistic. Either way it's all good, clean, ethereal-webtastic fun on a probabilistic wave equation sort of level. as you may have not noted in my previous posting "our children" is somewhat misleading. We are merely their caretakers at the request (or threat) of their alien creators. we had to keep them at home when they were in their larval stage and they tend to assimilate other organisms if not closely controlled, not to mention if they were to shed their exoskeletons in public that would require some exceedingly delicate explanation; thus the need for "homeschooling".
having met "your children" i can unequivocally state that they are fine, loving, children. and you and your husband are doing a great job raising them. all works out for good to those that, etc., etc., etc.
HE!
My father is genius in all he says....although I did have to remind him that taxidermy in humans is known as mummification and he should ask Jessica 1 about that as she is our Antient Egyptian expert!!
Well, after reading this I just have to leave my 2 cents.
I would like to add to the taxidermy scene. I would like to donate a small table and chair, some coloring books, (no Barbie!) crayons of course, a bag of marshmallows, the rest of the makings for smores, candle sticks for toasting the marshmallows and a twig.
B.
well that's a very nice offer. although offers from anonymous cyberpeople is fraught with risk. to prove your future trustworthiness, WOT suggests you send the makings of the smores in advance (i.e. NOW!). DO NOT SUCCUMB TO THE TEMPATATION TO SEND CHOCOLATE FLAVORED LAXATIVE; THAT WOULD BE NAUGHTY (BUT FUNNY, HE! HE!). WOT also would like the table and chair to be civil-war era antiques to make Clair happy. and while your sending stuff, i wouldn't mind a case of guinness stout, or yuengling lager, or both. no hurry.
thanks in advance.
Hmmm.. The makings of smores in advance is possible. I would though need an address. If Clair gave me hers it may be a terrible thing for her mail carrier delivering random packages of coloring books and such. The lager, stout and antiques may take a bit of time for me to locate, mainly the antiques. BUT, to have Clair placed with all these items would be better in her Civil War Dress.
One more thing I would like to suggest. Since Clair herself mentioned the whole shaving thing, I suggest her under arms be left alone. I think if it was left, it could be braided, and have beads of different types added. Some photos could be sold to a random fashion magazine and Clair could be the founder of a new tribal type fad. ..Just my opinion of course.
B.
Poor SFL is overstepping his boundaries in his attempts to solicit supporters for his SFL antics...namely, he has been freely attributing statements to WOT without her knowledge or consent! While it may be true that I appreciate the suggestion of smores, and I would be likely to endulge should any arrive at our door, that does not take away from the SFL overstepping. Maybe he needs supervision during his computer time...he is fortunate that we are always looking out for his best interest. And along that vein, please do not send SFL anything! Apparently we need more work on purifying his motivations since his urge to solicit is still quite obvious.
Finally, as a reminder to all our internet and blogging friends - no one should EVER send personal information through a blog! This is highly dangerous!! You may all be laughing at this recommended precaution, but truly, tragedies happen every day and we wish to use care to avoid as many as possible.
I love you, Clair!
WOT
HAHAHA - WOT I love you, and I'm sure *cough* that we all appreciate your well founded warnings....You are a very cautious creature by nature.
As for SFL....I truely am his child...
B. - Please send Smores ASAP! Also - can you believe that they don't eat Smores in the UK, and they don't have Graham Crackers? I tell you, if they did there would be less world conflict; I'm convinced!!
well i've been tongue lashed, lambasted, beaten about the brow, and riddled with avarian peforations. my tail is between my legs, my club is permanently attached to the side of my head, i'm still shivering from a thirty-degree night in my outdoor accomodations, and hoarse from repeatedly pleading, "yes dear, i promise i'll never do that again".
but fear not, as SFL is far too resilient to be broken by such a barrage. that is one of the true strengths of the male of the species. the ability to say "yes dear, whatever you want dear", and then go off and do whatever you want. combined with as frunken a lobe as i have, and life is truly worth living. ahhhhhh, the liberation.
so fear not for SFL, and look forward to what the latter stages of wedded bliss has to hold for you.
he!
HAHA I will defend WOT here, and say that she doesn't brow beat you. Although, she has been tempted I'm sure.
Dear Mrs. WOT, (or Mrs. Lobe whichever you prefer.)
`Though I'm a bit late with this, you can't blame Mr. Lobe for my participation here. I have to admit I am a bit mischievous on my own. Ok, maybe a little more than a bit. As for his overstepping I had nothing to do with that. My reply to giving out personal information on blogs etc. I agree with you. I don't even like paying bills online. I just had to try adding to the humor.
Mr. Lobe, if I send you the Lager, you found it in the ditch!
Clair, The UK. is just bizzare anyways. What else can I say about that? As for sending of smores, I think you'd have to share now! I will go shopping soon for the smore package. Would you like the candles to? I won't ask about the random coloring books, that I will save for another time or plotting of an evil scheme.
Take care all, and thanks for the laugh!
B.
well anonymous b, here's a few things you gotta get straight
1. mrs WOT is redundant.
2. mrs Lobe is totally unacceptable to WOT.
3. look, just send the beer, graham crackers, 10lbs of chocolate bars, and one lonely marshmellow to Clair. we'll take care of the rest.
4. forget the candles, we've been told again and again (by we know who) that candles are a fire hazard and should only be used in the most extreme of emergencies. we'll never hear the end of it if you send those, so save us the trouble.
5. don't worry about us finking on you. nothing really exists in this twisted cyber world we choose to play in anyways. (but the beer and chocolate ARE real and must be mailed ASAP).
He!
Dear B.,
I certainly know SFL enough to understand your innocence and his guilt in overstepping by falsely attributing sentiments to me which do not belong.
I am glad to hear of your general cautions in disclosing any personal information online.
May you continue to find amusement as you exchange wits with SFL...takes a bit of pressure off me, you know!
WOT
clairbannerman.blogspot.com; You saved my day again.
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