5 Ways to Beat up an Old Man

A friend of mine found this article the other day, and I thought SFL would have a hay-day with it. Haha, enjoy!!!

I am a baseball player. But if there is one thing the game has taught me, it's not a lesson about competition or sportsmanship or being a man or anything like that.
It's that you might have to fight an old person at a moment's notice.
Game 3 of the 2003 ALCS ... did I go to the park that day expecting to fight Don Zimmer? Not really. But then one thing led to another and I had to throw that 72-year-old man to the ground.
Live and learn.
Now I'm ready to kick an old person's ass at any moment. And you can be, too.

- - - - -

5 Tips for Fighting the Eldery -- by Pedro Martinez
1. Speak softly and carry a big stick -- Literally. Old people are, like, almost deaf. If you talk too loud they'll hear you coming. But just in case you're about to jump the rare old person who has good ears, you'll want to keep some distance so they don't hear you. Hence, the big stick. A baseball bat works nicely. Stand about three feet away and swing with all your might. The fight is ON!

2. Use your superior strength -- You may think you can just beat up old people easily. Not true from my experience. The only distinct advantage you have is your superior strength. Old people are crazy weak. Yet they have lived so long they have picked up all kinds of tricks.
I once fought a guy at a nursing home when I was on the Mets. He was in a wheelchair. Only had partial use of one arm because of a stroke. But I let him get too close to my body and he knocked me out by pinching the side of my neck with his pinkie and thumb. Really. I was out cold. Apparently he learned it in Korea or something. That taught me a lesson. You can't screw around. So when I came to, I hit him over the head with a metal folding chair that was put out for his visitors.

3. Target your blows -- Yes, it's fun to punch old people in the face. Their glasses break. Dentures go flying. Toupees. Wigs. Hearing aids. It's awesome. But fighting old people is only partly about fun. You want to win, too. So make sure you punch their bones. These people are pretty much made of dust. For example, a nice shot to the hip will shatter it instantly. Goodbye center of gravity, pops. And bonus points for the crunching sound your punches create. It always makes me feel like I'm in a movie or video game.

4. Stay alert -- You never know when one of their kids or grandkids or a nursing home staffer could pop in. Then you're outnumbered. Trust me, you don't want little Johnny to walk in and see you wailing away on his PopPop. Enraged 10-year-olds are better fighters than you might think.

5. Pull the plug -- Every great fighter has a great finishing move.

New Material

Since B and SFL have been harassing me, and since I finally have a couple of days off of work now seems as good a time as any to post.

I am a sucker for games.

I realized this after an hours worth of attempts to conquer the Cracker Barrel triangle game (I'm sure it has an official title). You know the one with the pegs that you have to jump over? Yea, well, I can get it down to two pegs. I think that gave me the title of "smart", however my friend was peg challenged, which was the title of "ignoramus". I was nice and didn't rub it in, seeing as I can't get one peg for the life of me.

To be fair we did tackle checkers outside, and I got repeatedly beaten...badly! At one point I had one piece left, it was surrounded by at least ten other pieces. I cry.

I guess I should stick to those simple games that involve wood. i.e. bowling (wooden pins), hockey (wooden sticks), baseball (wooden bats), etc. Feel free to suggest other appropriate games that I'm not likely to be bad at, and won't kill me...

Don't ask me the background story.

I am now going to call SFL "Pig in a Blanket"

I think it had something to do with him and his Carhart winter suit.

Carhart is the bomb-diggity

And I'm getto....

Just saying....

Ah, the story of my life!

Drafting Trial

This past weekend I drove down to Alabama to meet the breeder and see a dog drafting trial. We had some rain on Saturday, but overall it was a blast!! Everyone was so nice, and I got to help with the event. The picture is of my puppy-to-be's grandfather in his cart. In a drafting trial its all about the dog safely hauling their cart through several events including an obstacle course. All events are off leash with only verbal guidance from the owner. It was great to see the dogs up close, get to pet them, and observe their personality. Let me tell you, I can't WAIT for my puppy.

To whom it may concern...

In the light of my recent bout with the flu, and the fact that I have figured out how to kill myself were life to ever get "too much" (i.e. ingesting 28 of my mom's sticky buns) I was told that I should have a Will. This is difficult for me, because I don't really have anything of intrinsic value; well, maybe my favorite pair of flip flops. However, WOT was very pointed that if I don't have a Will then when one of my patient's bites my head off the court can assign my assets to a third party like a bank who can charge fees, etc. That all said here goes...

To Whom it May Concern:

I'm dead/dying/or you're contemplating pulling the plug. Its ok, don't feel bad - say eeeeettttt.

The point is you will have to be making decisions about the junk that fills the house. Personally, anyone who wants it can have it. If you'd like to press DOT into responsibility you can make her sort through it all, otherwise I'm sure WOT will have at it. If there is no family around, then please find the local jail and let someone there decide what to do over leaving me in the hands of a lawyer.

As for my health care. Use your common sense, don't get too attached this world isn't all its cracked up to be ;-). Please shave my legs if I'm unconscious for weeks, believe me it wouldn't be a pretty sight. Feel free to donate my organs if you want, I won't be there for it.

The End

Me

*** Any other suggestions?