IHOP Girl: May 2005

Sunday, May 15, 2005

The Cross

I'm not really sure what to say, my heart has just been struggling lately with the cross. It is so hard to embrace the cross when I'm not even sure what that fully means except to rejoice in the crushing of myself that Christ might be exemplified. Oh, how my heart is afraid of death! Not even necessarily physical as much as spiritual, although I think that some physical suffering would probably be good for me...Allen Hood did a message tonight that went along with what I had been going through, and one of the things he said was "inconvenience is not the cross it's compromise". I realized that I am so wrapped up with "inconvenience" when I really don't have any idea what the cross truely is! My life is laughable in the face of the Chinese Christians who die, and yet God is so patient and loving and has me where I should be. My pride wants to have a self-condeming pity party for my shortcomings, but instead I want to follow Christ with a joyful, willing heart to go wherever He leads, and embrace the cross whenever He says. How good Jesus is, I love this man!

Liquids!!

Yeah, ok, so I never thought that I would love liquids this much!! The first week of the fast is over, so now I'm off H2O and onto liquids, and I'm soooooo excited. I lost 10lbs this week which is crazy, but now that I'm on juice, shakes, etc. I'm sure that I'll gain it back quickly :-P . Hehehe... Anyway, no worrys I'm still healthy, wealthy, and working on the wise part! Although I never want to see water again. I've been drinking about 3 quarts a day to keep hydrated, which works but it is still a lot of H2O. Well, that pretty much takes up all my news. The siege is going really well, dispite the fact that the weather never stays the same. I'll try to post later!

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Day One of the Silent Siege

I'm behind one day in posting, but oh well. Yesterday was our first day standing at Planned Parenthood, and it is going to be hard but good. The hardest thing right now is to engage silently for four hours. We can read the Word, pray, pretty much do anything silently, but still it is hard. One fortunate thing, is that where we stand is lined by trees, so we have shade which for me who shouldn't get sunburnt is a great thing. Emotionally it has not been hard, I wish I felt the heart of the Lord more, but at the same time I'm afraid to because when I do I probably won't stop crying. I'm sure that it will get harder when the clinic opens on Monday, since we've been there the clinic has been closed for the weekend.

Anyway, that was just a short update, because I have to go work with the Children's Equiping Center this morning. Maybe it will distract me from my rumbling stomach! Hehe...

Movie Night In...I love a good movie!

Mega Mind
Taking Chance (Will make you cry like a baby)
Charlotte Grey (A bit of a different take on Nazi Germany)
Series - Merlin (I LOVE BBC)
Robin Hood (Okay, a love Russell Crowe, you'll have to understand that about me...)
Kingdom of Heaven (Chuck full of acting power with an epic tale)
Miss Potter (Such a great film! Story of the creator of Peter Rabbit)
How to Train your Dragon (Possibly my favorite animated movie ever...I'm like a little kid, I watch it over and over)
Buck (Sundance winner, Biography of Horse Trainer, heart touching)
Lost in Austin (Modern day spin on Pride and Prej.)

Life as a nurse...

Great words by Reb Jeff: Vayishlach: Facing Death

"Rachel died. She was buried on the road to Ephrat — now called Bethlehem. Jacob set up a pillar above her grave. It is the pillar at Rachel’s grave to this day."–Genesis 35:19-20

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vidui http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shiva_(Judaism), and preparing the notifications to the community, feel like little fragments of the sacred. I have been entrusted with the care and tending of the most powerful, complex and difficult emotions that a person can experience in life. I have been made, in some small part, a guardian of the memory of a departed soul — a life that touches upon many other lives.After dropping off my older daughter at her high school this morning, I made a stop at Treasure Coast Hospice http://www.tchospice.org/, a remarkable organization that sets a very high standard for the loving and respectful care of the dying. There, I visited a lovely man whom I have seen a few times in his hospice room. I sat by his bedside and listened to him (in full possession of his faculties) as he told me about his worries about his family, the support of his wife after he is gone, and the future of his children and grandchildren. I was deeply moved by the way he put any concern for himself — even while facing death — in a distant backseat to his concerns for his family. When my own time comes, I can only hope to have his awareness of the way that one life can touch so many others.Also at hospice, I visited a woman I have known for the past two years — a dear soul who is a former Jewish religious school director. I sat with her, too, singing psalms to her as I listened to her heavy and labored breathing. I have no medical training, but I have come to know the sound of a person who is close to death. The body begins to fight for each breath as it slowly looses it grasp on life. As I held her hand and sang, I realized that being a rabbi is no protection against becoming one of the people caught in the web of connection. I, too, am changed by the loss of a life that has touched mine.Later in the day, I met with a couple from our congregation. She had just learned that her brother died yesterday in a car crash. Coming to terms with the loss is made more difficult for her by the fact that she and her brother had not seen each other or spoken in five years. Sometimes, people think it is easier to mourn the death of someone who has moved out of your life. In my experience, though, it's harder. Grief is magnified by wounded love and regret. I have no magic words to say to ease the pain of mourning. All I can do is listen, become a vessel in which people place their stories, and offer compassion.Actually, there is one more thing I can do. I can have faith that "all I can do" is all that I need to do. It is enough.In this week's Torah portion (Vayishlach) Jacob watched Rachel, the love of his life, die in childbirth. He was overcome by grief. Jacob had worked for his cruel uncle Laban for fourteen years to earn the right to marry Rachel. Now she was gone. Because she died while they were traveling, Jacob had to bury her by the side of the road. He built a pillar of stones on the spot to mark the place as sacred.This is what we all do, in one way or another, when death enters our lives. We grieve and our hearts break. We wish that we could continue to walk along the path of life with our loved ones forever, but the dead cannot fully join us. We have to leave something behind in order to resume our own journey. So, what do we do? We mark the moment as sacred. We erect monuments — both in cemeteries and in our hearts. The stones we place on top of stones remind us that a life may end, but its sanctity is forever.The Torah says that the monument Jacob built for his beloved continues to stand until this day. A life that touches the lives of others never ceases to send living reverberations throughout the web that binds us all.