Dr. Horrible at your service!

This is Dr. Horrible I promise he won't bite, but he may shoot you with a stun gun. He is also my father...sort of. I mean in spirit mainly, because obviously this isn't my father's picture. I kind of imagine my father looking like this at work though. The white one-piece suit, giant goggles, and black gloves.

I digress.

Seeing as you all liked the Bathrobe Stories so well, it is high time for the unavailing my new collection...the Dr. Horrible stories. Now first I must make a disclaimer. Dr. Horrible was not my idea, for those of you interested do a google search and you can watch the 45minute show that Joss Wheldon made (there is only one iffy part in the laundry-mate for those of you with kids). However, I'm sticking with this title because it so appropriately fits.

Now my collection of Dr. Horrible sagas begin on a quiet weekend afternoon. Dr. Horrible himself sprawled out on the Couch of Death (it sounds so much better to title inanimate objects) watching football. Around the corner chaos broke out when my lovely sister got her head bashed into the corner of the wall as out German Shepard came bolting through the doorway. There was blood, and crying, and the usual commotion that accompanies such events.

Dr. Horrible may have a great many talents, however observation while engrossed in football is not one of them. WOT was calling Dr. Horrible for clean up on isle 3, having to take my sister to the kitchen for a face repair. Soon the floor was clean, the face patched, the tears wiped, and all evidence of the accident removed...but Dr. Horrible had not moved. Five minutes later he came out into the hall saw my sister's face and asked what happened. We all laughed. How he zoned out of all that chaos I will never know - it was selective hearing at its height. Poor Dr. Horrible, at least he does have some amazing super hero powers, we just have to working his skills of observation!

Me...

I love my friends and family, I'm just going to say that. You all are going to get an extra crown in Heaven for putting up with me for close to a year. You mean more to me then you'll ever know!

WOT and I had a great talk this afternoon, as I was trying to express that I keep hearing "do what you want", but honestly I'm not sure what that is.

I guess part of me even subconsciously thinks about what I "should" do over what I'd "like to" do. I get bogged down in the inconveniences to others, the practicality of living, and forget to look at the big picture. I still don't have answers, but I do know that:

- I want to work day shift (I want to be able to sleep at night again)
- I love family, and being involved in a family

Maybe I can add to that list soon, but for now that will have to do! I love what I do now for work, but at the place my life is at now, I am not sure I even care as long as I can do something that doesn't mess with my body as much as this has.

Sooo...

So...what do you guys want to talk about?

I'm sitting here at 4:30am unable to sleep....

My life is amazingly entertaining right? I know...

I'd like to sleep - but I can't...

So, I'm sitting here, typing nothing important, and thinking that if there was such a thing as sleep rehab I would check myself in.

Extra Activities...

As you all know by now, I am trying to spice up life some, which when the weather is gorgeous like it has been the past several days is not so hard. The Human Society finally posted the new orientation days, and I am all set to get started with that next Sunday. I think it might be a nice change in pace will be fun. I'm so excited, after working the worst schedule the last two weeks I am finally going to have about a week off, and I'm THRILLED! I plan to see the neuromuscular clinic, go to the writers group, get through my SPCA orientation, and hopefully enjoy some weather. Alas, those wonderful goals are glimmers of hope at the end of the tunnel since I still have two more days to work before that stretch off.

I know that working three days a week doesn't seem like a lot, but believe me it isn't always a simple three days. For example my schedule has looked like this:

Work: Thurs, Fri,Sat; Off Sunday; Work: Mon, Tue; Off Wednesday; Work Thursday; Off Friday; Work Sat, Sun, Mon; Off Tuesday; Work Wednesday.

Now, another insight - one day off in between shifts is basically like having an extra twelve hours to sleep. On my first day off I'm beat dog tired, and really by the time I get up at 4:30 pm, most of the day is gone, and so are my plans for anything productive. Usually when I get home from work my feel ache, my neck is killing me, the dog wants attention, I haven't eaten or peed in 6 hours, and I'm not thinking straight. I usually refuse to take a shower when I get home (unless really dirty) because I can hear monitor alarms dinging in my ears in the shower (/e shudders at the thought). Some days, er nights are worse then others of course, but all consist of hours on your feet, cleaning up after someone constantly, answering lights, trying to keep your kid from dying on you, and dealing with parents who generally act like 5 year-olds. I'm telling you - I love what I do, but sheeeesh that first day off I don't do much...and so when I have a schedule like above with only one day gaps between them...you can see why you don't hear from me for long stretches!

Haha, thanks for listening to me ramble - I really should do a day in the life of me at work...it would be entertaining.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVI8sQQ9JVA&feature=related





Okay, so I couldn't get the video to load on here, if anyone does I would love you forever if you'd tell me! This is a great clip though (it has nothing to do with the picture), so check it out I promise you'll like it!





I have been bored tonight, and bordom usually does not lead to anything productive like knitting socks (I dont knit), washing windows (its dark outside, you can't wash windows when its dark - how do you see the streaks?), or clean off my kitchen table (its called paper art!). Sooo, instead I find comfort in youtube, msn, facebook, and my blog. OH! I also was sent a rather long, but fabulously funny story today, and I thought I would pass on the love, along with a picture (see above) to help you visualize the story....

**Please note this is a fictional story (I think ;p) no squirrels were harmed in the making. Do not try this at home, and if you see a squirrel like discribed I would run...
*********

Having had considerable experience with motorcycles and animals, (not necessarily squirrels), this hits home---

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.

I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.
I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes.
His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.

Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing...

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.
But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in ... well .. I just plain screamed
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.

The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.
This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle...my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.
As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPM's on the Valkyrie maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really... Except for two things.

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.
So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.

That was one thing. The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car... but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street , and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves.
And a whole lot of Band-Aids.

Snow!

I know that the last day or two most of the Mid/East has gotten snow of some sort, and has been quite exciting. Places West of us got 7 or so inches of the white powder, we only got 1-2 inches, and by the time I woke up it had all melted...so much for exciting. I hope that everyone in the North East who is now getting pounded will take some moments to enjoy the snow. Part of me definitely misses the snow, and then the other half is quite contented to be snow less.

My newest escapade has been researching some graduate school options, which I have been procrastinating since my life has been so crazy. I think that I am going to do some sort of Nursing Education degree, because I don't know that I really want to do a Nurse Practitioner program. The down side to this whole idea is having to get my GRE (gets hear the generalized ewwwww). I guess I'm going to need to get studying....(someone please tell me this is a bad idea hehe). I realized that a lot of the non-bedside nursing jobs that are going to be fully day shift will require a masters degree, and that I'd better buckle up and get 'er done!

The other thing that has kept me occupied while not working this week has been this wonderful little website/blog (thepioneerworman.com). My friend Kelly got me addicted to her story about how she met her husband. I had to chuckle as I read, because I can so hear SFL talking in his fake Southern drawl...Really though - its long, but very well written, and her whole site in general is great. She talkes about homeschooling, gardening, photography, the ranch, and whatever else entertains her. Okay, I'm done now...hehe, but really check it out ;-).

Other things in life...Hmm, well I'm still slowly plodding through the book Empire Falls which is a great fictional story, and unfortunately for it (the book) I have been very lazy in my reading as of late. I'm excited though, because I am going up to see the family the first week in April which should be great fun! Also, I have convinced one of my cousins that I need some company, and so I think that she is coming to visit the first week in June. I would love to take a trip to see everyone, and I have open invites to so many places, but between work, my poor brain, and money it isn't always possible. Lets hope that these visits are good things, and I don't stress over them. Oh, oh, and in May I switch to day shift for 6 weeks, so we'll see how that goes...

I should post some sort of fun contest on here or something, hehe...See how many of you still live ;-).

New Gun Control Bill

So, WOT had received an email concerning some "Blair Holt" bill that was up in House of Representatives, but she wasn't sure whether this was a real bill or not. I did a little looking, and I'm sure there is more out there, but if you check out the website below you can read a full copy of said bill.

http://www.opencongress.org/bill/111-h45/text

This bill is a major step in controlling guns/firearms, and personally I think goes against a lot of my values. Unfortunately, I don't know how much publicity this bill will get, so please take a read, and then write to your representative!!! The representative from Illinois, Mr. Rush I believe is the proposer of said bill. This looks legitimate from my preliminary research, so check it out if you care about policies on gun control. Lol, lets see how long it will take Texas to revolt if this gets passed..../e looks for a house in Texas...;-)

I apologize that it has taken me several days to become motivated enough to post, I think that being stuck at work often is the prodding I need to get back on the blog.

I've done pretty well the past several days, in part due to my fabulous friends De and Jo who stay up with me at all hours of the night playing scrabble on Pogo.com, complaining about their own lives, or just thinking of fun topics to discuss. Anything to distract and entertain. They are my night-time anchor, and not that I'm not blessed by multiple people, but these two are my companions in the night. I have decided that if they ever leave me hanging that I'm going to have to go out and buy myself one of those inflatable dolls like in Lars and the Real Girl, who can play scrabble with plastic hands. "Please" I begged "don't let me go down that road!"

My back is doing MUCH better, thank Jesus for the neuromuscular therapist!!!! It is still hurting me, but then again I'm in the midst of a three day work stretch, so what can you expect? I will take another visit to her when I'm done, and breath a sigh of relief.

On a side note before I have to go. I am just going to say that always thought that it would be easy to stick by your guns, and not compromise values. However, when life hits hard it can be so easy to slip. Thank goodness for grace, and friends. We are not alone...I think in part that's why I like this blog, because I just want to be honest about the crap that happens in life. How often have we looked at the person next to us, and condemned our own struggles thinking we're the only ones who fight against things! Think again!! We're all on the same boat, some times just in different parts, but still the same boat ;-).

My midlife crisis...

I think that I've forgotten what normal life is like. When do normal people eat, sleep, etc? I think that I no longer know....Actually, what is sad is that I don't even know if I'll be able to re-adjust to "real-life". At times I think I'd miss the late night chats with some of my friends on msn, or having that quiet uninterrupted time since no one else is awake. Then there are so many times when I think about what life was BEFORE work. Sleeping when it was dark out, feeling normal, having friends, being busy with school, etc. Hmmm, how can two years some how make 22 seem like so long ago? I really have trouble remembering some times what it was like...

This is really just my own ramblings so please feel free to skip over!

I've been thinking a lot about how moving or something might help me not feel so insane, but then I realized that perhaps it wouldn't make a difference. There are people who have worked nights for years, I wish I knew their secret. Its not that I have trouble staying awake, actually I think I've become a little bit of an insomniac (perhaps part of the issue). Then I thought, well maybe its due to me spending too much time on my computer, but to be honest what else do you do at 2am when everyone is sleeping and you're wide awake? I think I would go more insane if I wasn't on my computer. I've also thought that maybe it is due to the fact that with my weird schedule I no longer have any purpose in life other then work. It has become my personal opinion that that is why people have a midlife crisis, it just usually doesn't hit until your 40-50s. I mean think about it! Most people get married, have kids, etc in their early twenties thereby making those years very busy after college. Once 40 comes around though and all the kids leave the house then reality sets in, and the search for significance is on. Some people fill their lives with work, projects, hobbies, etc and I think that those people tend to weather midlife better than those that are left empty handed.

Unfortunately, I think I've hit midlife 20 years too early. Not that being independently single is a bad thing, after all there are some great pros to singledom. However, I've hit that wall of lonely meaninglessness...Perhaps that is part and parcel with everything I've been struggling with, and working to overcome.

Don't get me wrong, work is starting to even out, and not be nearly as stressful as it was. The other days of the week though I try to find something to do. I've attempted some painting and drawing, reading, my computer, going for walks, and just about anything else around the house. That's why I've joined the book club, and writer's group. I've also looked into volunteering at the local animal shelter, joining the ymca, and thought about maybe helping out at the church. I know I can't force some "meaning" in life, but it is a very frustrating experience to feel like you don't even live in the world any more, like times you're awake or asleep just pass you by like zombies.

As depressing as that sounds I'm still pushing through. I'm still trying to eat like I should, get out of the house, sleep (which I think really does negatively effect me when I miss it), and find some things where I can meet people. Let me tell you, its hard!!! I think I sound worse on here then I do if you talk to me, because it a lot harder for me to describe whats up when I talk - I just come on here and vent it all out. I just keep thanking Jesus for family and friends that I can talk to day or night. I also keep telling myself that its ok to cry, be nervous, or vent emotions its better then bottling it up! The brain is an amazing yet scary thing - and I know that God made us to be whole creatures delighting in Him, and wholly abandoned to Him. How hard that can be to walk out in daily life!

I feel like this blog is turning into the depressing rantings of some lunatic, haha...I hope though in some small corner of your heart it encourages you that there is hope, that you can keep pushing on no matter what you're going through, and no matter if there is not another soul who can see the tears running down your heart Jesus sees them all. I like to think that one day when I get to meet Him he will hand me my bottle of tears (seen and unseen), and I will kneel before him and wash His feet with the tears of my brokenness.

On the Floor

Thinking about a specific person this morning had me thinking about floors. Now you may wonder the connection, and it is simply that said person has on more then one occasion experienced a night's sleep on the floor. I'll come back to that...

So, I've been continuing to stay pretty positive, and keep my emotions in check. I actually almost laughed when the neuromuscular therapist today (on her own) just said how she thought I had one of most positive happy spirits she'd seen. Haha!! I mean I know that that is my natural personality, but after the Fall I've had I really do feel anything but positive and happy for the most part. I will confess that I made a poor choice tonight, which I think has in part led to my feeling very off/emotional this morning. I should have gone to worship tonight, but I didn't really want to, and I thought meh its no big deal. Well....I think it was a bigger deal. Not that going to church in and of itself was the deal, but it was that I passed on the opportunity to get out for the night. It's so hard when you don't feel like it!!! I know that there is church tonight also, and worship on Tuesday, but I guess I just took a couple steps backwards tonight. How frustrating it is!! I totally get Paul's talk about how he does what he knows he shouldn't do, and doesn't do what he knows he should. It is a hard, very frustrating experience!!

So how does this relate to floors?? Well actually now that I'm here I have no idea!! I just was thinking how our perspective often changes when we're on the floor. We notice the hardness, the uncomfortableness that we never think about when we're in a chair, or merely walking. Somedays I think the floor is the most stable object in life. Gah, I really have no idea where I'm going with this...I think I mainly wanted something to talk about at 5 am when I can't sleep.

I'll post more soon, hopefully a happier topic!! :-) Thanks as always for faithfully reading, and sticking with my craziness.

I do apologize for my "absentness" the past several days, I have attempted to get my poor brain motivated to post something, but seeing as I have worked four out of the last five days I will not condemn myself too much. Unfortunately, it seems that I might also be developing a slight cold with a possible ear infection. I had my first and only ear infection when I was 17 or so, therefore on the verge of another one is not exactly a thrilling thought. I sat on the couch this morning with some hydrogen peroxide in my ear seeing if it would help to kill anything down there. I will let you in on a little secret. Peroxiding my ears is a guilty pleasure of mine! A friend and fellow nurse introduced this past time to me about two years ago, and we'd sit at the nurses station around 3am and enjoy the bubbling in our ears. Now you can only do one ear at a time (and make sure to not get ANY in you eyes), put about 1cc/ml of peroxide in (I put a drop or two in at a time), then I like to let it bubble for 5 minutes or till I want to switch ears. Then the amazingly fun part is to clean your ears out with a Qtip after....ohhhhh its the best. It still hasn't helped me to really hear out of it, and it is a little painful, but we'll see maybe if it keeps hurting I'll stop by the MD.

Otherwise, its been an ok week, I haven't actually gotten to do a whole lot, and my pile of books to read really needs to be tackled along with my pile of laundry. I should have a little stretch of days off here soon, and I will try to get a great post put together at this point you are lucky I have the energy to do this!! ;-)

Sooo here is the new cat that has decided to visit our back porch at night for the past two weeks. He/she/it (I can't tell its too fluffy) is very nice and comes to let me pet it. I finally got a picture tonight, and determined that boy or girl the cat's name will be Rambo. Hehe, because its an out door cat of course (kitty with an A-K47).

We'll see what happens, I'm a sucker for poor homeless creatures. I did manage to get some flea stuff on it, just in case I bring it in and it has fleas, even if I never see it perhaps I have rid the world of one more flea....just saying you should all be grateful. ;-)

Because I feel bad for the cat I've been setting out some food for it (which I know only attracts other animals too, but I don't care). Well, last night I was sitting on the couch and I saw the movement triggered back light come on. There was a Lab eating the cat food, so I opened the back door. Does the dog run? Yes, but not without first grabbing the bowl in its mouth. I come running out the door after it yelling "give me my bowl back!". Yeaaaah, so I'm sure my neighbors think I'm weird...The dog did drop the bowl, but continued running - I haven't seen it since. Haha, WOT thinks that there are signs up around the neighborhood advertising free food. Which reminds me, this totally leads up to a GREAT bathrobe story!!! A side note, do you like the fact that it seems like most of the bathrobe stories include animals? Hmm, interesting...

Soul Time

I think everyone needs "soul time". You may think of it as "quiet time", but you know what I have come to believe that sometimes a "quiet time" is not what you need. Soul time seems to fit better. It can be singing, playing music, drawing, painting, reading the Word, or laying on the floor with your eyes shut as the dog snores beside you. What matters most is quieting the swirling chaos around us so that you can listen. I don't know about you but sometimes I think that I listen best when I'm standing in front of the keyboard playing the same three chords and putting my feelings into words. Somehow I hear Jesus. Your soul time is I'm sure completely different then mine, and that is awesome!! I think I use to get so bogged down in thinking that my time with the Lord had to be separated from my life. In college I had this revelation about how a relationship with God isn't a parallel line to our physical lives, where the two sometimes crossed paths (ie church). Instead a relationship with God is really like a new birth - its the beginning of a new life, a life where God is in every part and thought. You can go to the gym, the store, and clean your bathroom all the while dwelling with God. I don't know it was just such a neat thing to me at the time, and I think that coming back to that point is a great reminder, because it's so easy to forget.

Today I went to the Neuromuscular clinic, and it was FABULOUS! She was able to target my back pain, work with massage to correct it, and give me tips to work on until I see her again. I am a little sore tonight, but my range of motion has already improved!! I am going to brag on Jesus a little. So, I called last night and left a message at the place about scheduling an appointment sometime, and in my head I was thinking that it would be great if I could get in the next day at about three in the afternoon, so I'd have time to sleep. Haha, so the therapist calls me this morning and says that she had a cancellation today for 3pm. Isn't God good?!! I just laughed so hard about how it was the exact time I had thought about. He has such a sense of humor! I had to call up WOT then and tell her how tickled I was that God put that all together - be encouraged, and give God a chance to change the little things in our lives.

The rest of my day I filled with grocery shopping, cleaning the house, walking the dog, making some yummy sweet and sour chicken, and watching a BBC film (which I might add had the girl from Narnia -Susan - when she was 8 or so). I was thinking about how this time last year I was getting ready to move here! How fast the time has gone!! Who knows where I'll be next year, it is hard to believe that life can change so quickly. Most posting later!!! Leave me lots of comments to comment back to!!

The Book List

My list keeps growing! Actually its my fault it seems that I'm addicted to the library, which means I need to get to the books, haha! The one kid at the library actually recognizes me now, which is also slightly sad. I must say though that I've found some good books - which I will continue to post on my little list. /e settles on the couch with some coffee surrounded by my stack of books.

Work is busy...I'm not at work though, so its all good.

My back, still hurts. I'm headed to the Neuromuscular clinic this week for some therapeutic massage time to see if that helps. I'll keep everyone updated!!

Sore!

My poor neck! I honestly don't know what I did to it except for wake up one morning with a very painful neck and back. I was thinking that it was mainly muscles so I thought I'd give it some time to feel better, instead of going to the chiropractor straight away. Well, it didn't get better, and I was so sore it hurt to turn my head, sleep, etc. As if I really needed something else. Anyways, I broke down and went to the chiro today, which was great he got my back alined, and worked on loosening my muscles. It was great but I am even MORE sore now because after an adjustment there is always swelling and stiffness. Gah - I'm in pain tonight. Along with feeling a bit emotional (pms?), and down I am trying to play some scrabble with my friend online to distract myself so I don't sit here with the kleenex. I guess having a week or two of better days makes a bad day or two live-through-able hehe. *Sigh*. If I get too bored tonight I'll post more fun snipets!

Burping Lobsters?

Today I don't particularly feel like laughing, however (chin up!) I am pushing forward. Therefore, I have another hopefully entertaining story for you. They say laughter is good for the soul, so just see me as your soul lifter!

*Note: this is a true story...

Not that long ago, in a Red Lobster not that far away worked a very gullible, but very nice hostess. Unfortunately for her, and those of us like her who constantly seem to find themselves on the wrong end of the road there is little to say but, "you have to learn to laugh at yourself". I think half the humor in this little excerpt is the fact that I can see myself falling for this...

One day this young hostess had finished her daily duties of ushering guests to their seats, handing out menus, preparing silverware wraps, and the several other tasks laid out in her manual. Only an hour or so stood between her and the door, so she found herself seeking out the manager to inquire after anymore work that might need to be completed. She found the manager leaning against a door frame talking to a talk lanky line cook that she had only met once or twice, but who seemed nice enough. Posing her question, the manager started to respond when the cook interjected. "You already burped all the lobsters?".

Both manager and hostess looked at the cook with wide eyes, "burped the lobsters? What do you mean?" She retorted. "I didn't see that in the manual".

"Well, it may not be in the manual, but it's still part of your job". Came the reply, the cook sticking by his guns.

The hostess looked confused, but ventured, "Oh, I didn't realize. I'm not sure I know how".

"Don't worry, I'll show you". With the cook leading the way both hostess and manager trailed after him towards the large water tank by the restaurant door, filled with 30-40 live lobsters, brightly colored rubber-bands around each claw.

The cook grabbed a towel and laid it across his shoulder (by this point several other employees had come to watch the proceedings). "Now you take a lobster like this", laying a lobster over his shoulder on the towel, just as if you would an infant. "And just pat it like so." He rhythmically thumped the lobster's back the poor creature not seeming to mind. The hostess still wasn't convinced, and looked skeptically over at the manager who stood two steps back. Another good pat and miraculously bubbles started to form at the lobster's mouth (it could not have been better timing). Eyes widening the hostess exclaimed, "ohhhh now I think I get it!" The cook nodded in agreement, and then placed the lobster on her shoulder, "Now you try it". The unassuming girl continued patting the lobster, while the cook stated that now she must continue to burp all the lobsters in the tank. The hostess agreed and continued her attention to the animal on her shoulder when the manager and the other observing employees could no longer contain themselves. Several crumpled to the floor in laughter, others had tears running down their faces as they roared with helpless glee over "lobster burping". It wasn't long, with all the laughter that the hostess realized that she had been had. Plopping the lobster back in the tank she stormed out of the restaurant the sounds of laughter still following her. She eventually forgave the cook, and came to look back on the event with a chuckle...

For those of us who are the gullible creatures of the earth, remember that even when you end up being the butt of someones joke, you are bringing laughter to many!!!

Twenty-five Things

There is this Facebook (yes I know) trend right now that involves coming up with 25 random things about yourself, then sharing that with your friends in the hope that they will do the same. Now, as much as I enjoy Facebook I thought that the List might be more fun to do here where in 5 years I can look back at it. Here goes - enjoy, and try out your own list!

1. I have only ever had one ear infection; I was 16.
2. I've always been afraid to die by fire and water.
3. I get sick on roller-coasters.
4. I love pretty much every fruit or vegetable I've ever met ;-)
5. I've kept some sort of journal since before I was in high school.
6. I'm missing part of my ring finger.
7. I hate emptying the dishwasher.
8. I love Sunrises
9. I hate watching Golf on TV
10. I love going to baseball games
11. I like my coffee black, but sometimes I enjoy something sweet too ;-)
12. I LOVE snow, watching snow, shoveling snow, etc
13. I've never been stung by a bee
14. Too often I'm a people pleaser - I'm working on that
15. I'm not really a "baby" kinda person, I enjoy kiddos when they're around 3-6
16. I'm dyslexic
17. I hate spiders
18. I've been to Europe, South America, and Canada
19. I want to visit Africa
20. I've never wanted to live on an island because if there I've always imagined it sinking under the sea...(which is stupid - God numbers our days anyways).
21. My mom is my best friend, and knows me better then anyone else
22. There isn't one person I know that I can't say at least one good thing about
23. I told God that I didn't want to get married until I could say that I didn't need anyone else but Jesus to sustain me, hehe it hasn't happened yet...on either counts.
24. War of the Worlds was a movie that disturbed me for days after I saw it
25. I love to snuggle

That was fun! I know its a REALLY random noninclusive list, but who knows that gives me room to do another one later!

Patron Saint of Carpentry

Take a look at the current housing market and it doesn't take much to understand how poor Saint Joseph the Catholic Patron Saint of Carpentry, Housing, and Real Estate is getting quite the work out. To understand this story one must understand that WOT has been attending a Catholic women's Bible study for at least three years or so, with some of the sweetest God seeking women I've met. Thus, when these ladies heard that WOT's house was going to be put on the market they quickly suggested (with quiet chuckles) that the Protestant among them attempt the tradition of burying Saint Joseph upside down in their back yard for a quick sale. Now, I must admit that as much as I LOVE these ladies, and I have several wonderful Catholic friends; I totally cracked up when WOT told me this. First off, there is about three feet of snow in my parents yard, so to bury Saint Joseph would require not only snow removal, but some pick-ax action to break through the frozen earth. This job - were it to be attempted would be delegated to my poor father who upon the suggestion said "forget it". Now WOT did testify to her ladies that we have sold houses in 1 day before with a little prayer and faith, so attempting the Saint Joseph route might be over kill. That said, my wonderful mother - God bless her - was given children with very active imaginations, and with the description of this tradition I suggested to her that perhaps we could just bury St Joseph in the giant snow drift by the drive way...I mean come on now, no one will have to see it, and it's a lot less difficult to dig in. This then led to the envisioning of poor St Joseph on a sunny day having his snowy grave melted away would, and thus rolling into the street where he might be decapitated by a passing car. At this point I couldn't help but chuckle at the thought of trying to super glue his head back on so when we gave him back to the Catholic Ladies they wouldn't know that St Joseph had been in a hit and run. Figuring that this train of thought was bordering on sacrilegious, and that perhaps burying Joseph in the snow was not the best option after all I jokingly suggested that we just pray to the Patron Saint Jesus the Master Carpenter. The other end of the phone was quiet for a second before WOT exclaimed, "you know what, I don't know that the ladies have ever thought about Jesus as the master carpenter". We laughed as I teased about us Protestants praying to the Patron St Jesus. How true it is though, that while God could have made it so we have to go to the Saints before "getting through", He instead gave us "Saint" Jesus who lives and dwells within us. He knows our every need, and how well He provides for us!! That said, I in no way am poking fun at the Catholic ladies' suggestion (I have the utmost respect for the Saints of old), but just out of a different perspective received a little revelation into the wonderful nature of this God we all serve both Catholic and Protestant alike. I do know that my father is ever so grateful to not be sent out into the backyard with the pick-ax!!

Bathrobe Stories (2 of many) - Frolic

The door to the garage slammed shut behind the two tousle headed children from my previous story, with the exception that this time their hair was slightly better bushed, and they had managed to find pairs of hand-me-down jeans and multi-colored t-shirts before rushing out for morning chores. Mom was sure to dole out punishment if the horses and cows weren't fed before school, and that meant there was plenty of work to be done before eight. The late spring sun was out in force, and a gentle breeze blew down the valley carrying with it the warm smell of plowed dirt and cows. The farmer across the road had only yesterday moved twenty or so head of cows into our pastures to graze in return for some hay from his fields come fall harvest. Some of his Alfalfa fields were directly across the road the plants almost a foot tall, and so dense it appeared to be a never ending bed of soft green.

Excited by the visitors the girls needed no convincing this morning to vacate their beds. The horses were watered, given their grain, and turned out into the back field to roll in the soft dirt. Not wanting to be forgotten several of the barn cats raised their voices and wove among the girl's legs until the food bowl was replenished and backs had been scratched. Not lingering in the main barn the two ran across the yard to the South pasture where Mr. Neal's cows were enjoying the first warming rays of the day. Several of the large reddish Herefords moved to the gate where the girls were arms reaching through the wide horizontal slates in the red swinging metal gate. Their small hands had grabbed clumps of grass on the way over, and now were held palms up as warm wet noses blew puffs of air on their skin, scattering the grass offerings to the ground, and making the girls giggle in turn. The ruff skin on the cows' noses was nothing compared to the sandpaper texture of their tongues as the girls let the long giraffe like tongues twist around their hands searching for some small treat. What could have been an all day affair between bovines and girls ended with a call from the house reminding them that there was work of the paper kind calling. Thus the cows were left for a later time, and two sets of feet raced back into the garage and into the house where mom was waiting.

Settling her energetic pair into language arts mom was finally able to turn her thoughts towards a shower and clothes when the drama of the day began. It all started when from the perfect perspective looking out of the front upstairs window both girls saw several cows meander into view in the front lawn. A quick call for mom had the house in an uproar! The cows had somehow escaped the pasture! The girls; school forgotten took the stairs by twos, and reached the front door as mom was dialing Mr. Neal's number. In her blue bathrobe and bare feet mom stood on the front porch to tell the farmer that he'd best come from his farm over the crest of the hill to help round up the five or six loose animals now trespassing through her gardens. To assist my reader in understanding the necessity of a hasty collection and return of the unfortunate cows to their enclosure, one must understand that half a mile down the road the ran in front of the house was a larger and much busier road. It was with this fact in mind that mom abandoned the idea of changing into something more appropriate, and instead sought out her rubber work boots; pulled on under the famous bathrobe, and joined the girls in herding the cattle. Before long Mr. Neal had joined in the efforts and all but one lonely cow were happily back behind the fence. This singular cow had decided that it would rather see the world then be relegated back behind the fence, and therefore it had set off down the road in the direction of the busy main highway. Mom, animal lover that she is was picturing a hamburger in the making if the poor creature was not diverted from its path. With the help of Mr. Neal and both girls mom started to chase the cow down the road yelling "we have to get it to stop before it gets hit!". It did not take long to chase the cow off the road and into the adjacent alfalfa field where due to the high grass the going became much more difficult. Mom with her bathrobe hiked up to allow her to run through the grass, and us all following behind had managed to get the cow at least headed away from the main road and towards Mr. Neal's barn over the hill. Mind on the safety of the cow, poor mom was in no way prepared for the deer that suddenly leaped from its nest in the alfalfa, and darted away across the field. The height of the grass had completely concealed the deer, but our noisy approach had scared it into flight. Mom taken so completely off guard screamed and almost fell over. So unbelievable was the event, and so hilarious was mom in her bathrobe screaming that Mr. Neal did fall over...laughing. The two girls could hardly breath, as they all momentarily forgot about the cow.

Fortunately, the cow was safely returned to greener pastures, and while it took mom a long time too she also recovered. Thus, the bathrobe participated in another momentous occasion, one that lives down in infamy.

Bathrobe Stories (1 of many) - The Bunny

As most mothers have found out life does not always wait for the most convenient of times, and there will be moments where you are pressed into dealing with a situation unprepared. Thus, I have put together a short collection of stories honoring the oftentimes hilarious moments of unpreparedness.


*******
It must have been a Saturday. As observed through the kitchen windows it was also one of those beautiful sunny starts to the weekend. The sun was shining, the horses were out grazing in the pasture behind the house, and several of the barn cats were starting their sunbathing early in the driveway next to the barn. In family tradition Saturday mornings entailed Dad, cup of coffee in hand, standing over the stove making pancakes. Swinging the spatula by the handle like a plastic pendulum he would wait until some undisclosed moment when the perfectly round pancake was ready, and with practiced ease would flip the pancake golden brown side up. It was really almost an art.

Not more then ten feet away two bright eyed girls under the age of eight sat at the round kitchen table, legs drawn up and crossed in their chairs. Reused plastic Pizza Hut kid cups sat before them half filled with Orange juice. Plates and silverware had already been set, and a glass Aunt Jemima syrup bottle Dad insisted on refilling and reusing sat ready for eager hands to pour. Their tousled bedheads bobbed as they carried on a lively and diverse chatter with Dad; which usually led to plenty of laughs.

Mom would come down the stairs garbed in her thick royal blue cotton bathrobe, and Dad would make some comment about "it" being "alive", which usually led to the rolling of the eyes and some exclamatory noise from Dad as he gave voice to Mom's displayed consternation. Giggles would break out from the direction of the kitchen table, as all enjoyed the jesting.

This Saturday as described was much like any other Saturday, and before long the entire family sat around the table with syrupy lips and satisfied tummies. The weekend tranquility was soon interrupted however by a very loud, very distressed scream. Chairs were shoved back, and faces pressed up against the kitchen window in the hopes of seeing what was causing such a ruckus. Unfortunately the screaming had a source. One of the barn cats could be seen trotting very proudly down the driveway towards the barn with a baby rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit who sounded more like a human infant was letting the whole world know that it did not want to be breakfast for some hungry cat. Fortunately for the rabbit Mother inherited a tender heart for all living things from her mother, and before we all knew it she had raced to the front door flung it open and took off barefooted, bathrobe flapping towards the barn yelling at the top of her lungs, "you let that bunny go!!". Almost in awe the rest of the family stood frozen at the windows watching her bath-robed form close in on the cat, and then disappear into the barn. What we did not see was Mom following the cat into the hay mow, and diving headfirst into a pile of hay to retrieve the poor bunny from the jaws of certain death. Instead we soon saw Mom emerge from the barn, with an old birdcage in hand which was now home to one very alive rabbit. Hair rumpled and still retaining some stray pieces of hay, and bathrobe disheveled she nevertheless marched proudly from the barn carrying her prize. We being the kind and affectionate family that we were, congratulated her on her success only after first having a very hardy laugh, and describing again in detail the appearance of Mom running across the yard. While Mom may have suffered some in humiliation for the bunny rescue, she most certainly was a hero to the rabbit whom we helped to recover before turning it lose in an alfalfa field down the road.

Thus concludes the first bathrobe story, and you will have to stay tuned for the second. *Please note that I can not claim this story as truth, ;-) but you will just have to draw your own conclusions.

Happy birthday WOT!

January 20th may very well be inauguration day, but here in this family its WOT day...More appropriately WOT's birthday, and although I can't be there to celebrate I'm sure SFL will think of something nice (secretly I'm glad I'm not home */e shudders). How wonderful it is to be able to celebrate the life of people who have not only influenced who we are, but who also fill our lives with love and joy? We do so much for kids on their birthdays, that we really forget that as you get older every birthday really gets more precious. Its a celebration of the struggles, successes, the things we've over come, the work God has done in us, and the very person He is creating! What a better thing to have some cake and ice cream over then a life of beautiful transformation? That said - Happy Birthday Mom!!!

On the topic of inauguration day...I'm sure everyone has an opinion especially today, and I don't really want to get into a debate over it (I'm sure I will say nothing new here). Yes, we can say what we think, act on those thoughts, and even pray for a specific out come, but the ONLY reason any person is placed in a position of power and authority is because the LORD put them there. In my faulty human reasoning I can look at almost any human on earth and find a reason why they would make a horrid leader. However, my view is so limited, and I so often look out of bias. After all, look how the Israelites begged God for a king thinking it would solve all their problems, and God even basically said that you would regret it, but still the people wanted something tangible. Who did they get?? Saul, a wicked king who had a mental breakdown and eventually tried to hunt down David (a man after God's heart). If God knew a king wasn't a good idea why didn't He at least make it so that evil men like Saul were not put in power?? Look at the big picture though - if Saul had never been king then David would never have had the lessons that he did, David would not have met Saul's son (his best friend), and the list goes on. Not only does God work ALL things out for the good of those who serve Him, but He alone puts kings and rulers in their places. Try to remember that today. It isn't just a nice thought to maybe throw in a prayer for our leaders, or maybe only say a couple bad things about them. God said to pray for them (not if you like them). What horrid influences to younger believers are we if we stand and mock the institution the Lord has put in place and allows to stay there? What does that show our kids, when our actions say that we don't trust God to have a good plan? Hmm, it can be so hard to follow that, and I have definitely fallen off the wagon on more then one occasion, but God was good to give me that reminder today. Good or bad leaders they are all under the rule and authority of God who is the ultimate king, and whose rule over my life is truly the only one that matters. I'm going to step off my soap box now, haha I was on it a little to long...

Winter Snap

The past several days have been bitterly cold here, as they have for most of the Eastern US at least. However, I have still managed to get out and do laundry and get groceries as I attempt to drag my way along. I even bundled up from head to toe and went for a walk in the 7 degree morning air. Its funny, with all the suggestions and tips I've received you would think that there would be one that was an instant fix to this now labeled "seasonal depression". One of my sweet friends this morning in an attempt to be encouraging said "Don't worry seasonal depression usually lasts a least 6-12 weeks, so you been at this what about 4, don't be to hard on yourself if you feel blue another 8 weeks or so". Eight WEEKS more I wanted to scream! And that isn't a guarantee just a guess assuming it is seasonal depression. Haha, oh the irony... Fortunately it has been a bit better, just enough so that I feel like I'm riding the fence precariously balanced between feeling 100% back to normal and face planting in some giant pile of muck. I haven't decided yet if all this business that I've thrown myself into is like spraying perfume over a full garbage can, or if it is the path out into the light. I look at my schedule each day hoping that I have something to do to keep my mind off of things. I drag myself to be awake during the day on my days off, so I can be active, and I've even picked up some colored pencils and watercolors to explore the artist inside, hehe. I guess all you can do is keep trekking. We all have our own unique struggles, please don't think I am discounting yours or obsessing that mine is the only one around. Believe me, there are people who are going through things I am only too glad to fore go. This is just more like my little place to dump all the marbles rolling inside my head so its not quite so noisy in there! Thanks for listening ;-)

Update time!

There is good news! All my blood work came back normal, which in retrospect is on the whole a good thing, it would have been sort of nice to have a measurable reason for all this. Thus, it is all in my head...literally. On the positive side, I am doing very well "socializing". I went to church on Sunday even when I wanted to stay home and not take a shower ;-). Today I got up after a little sleep (since I worked last night), and went to the library which I was so excited to get 4 books or so that look awesome, 3 movies to spice up my late nights, and then of course the ultimate stop - dunkin donuts for some caloric endorphins. Tonight we're going to the Nashville House of Prayer for some music, and sisterly bonding. See, I am putting forth a good effort to pull myself back together, that and some help from upstairs! I will have to let you know how some of these books turn out, as I am very excited to get a start reading them. I know that I'm also suppose to be working on writing some of my own, but right now I'm finding it difficult to get a topic/interest/or plot. I can write little snippets, or on here, but the thought of working on a plot is a little daunting, but I really need to so that I can go to next months writers meet up with something in hand.../e wishes there was a writing genie...If you have any thoughts, ideas, or suggestions let me know ;-) Who knows perhaps you'll be the inspiration for the next worst novel hehe!

Overhaul

Due to the fact that I was bored this morning, my poor blog got an overhaul this morning. I'm not sure how I like it yet...soooo I may change it back later. Feel free to leave me comments/opinions on the new look!!

P.S. If you like my blog and read it, then become a stalker (/e points to the right hand side bar), and follow my blog! It's sad that it says zero, so don't leave me hanging!!

Writers Meet Up

One of my new "activities" that I decided to try out as an attempt to get out a little is a writers meet up group that gets together monthly. My mom (who was still here) was a champ and came with me so I didn't have to go it alone, and I think she even came away a little inspired to write. She makes a fabulous editor - red pen in hand, and I still have memories of school papers that looked like a small animal had died on the pages. However, I am very much a better writer because of her, and I think it will be fun to see how she ends up developing into a writer herself. Ok, so back to the group. I was very impressed that it was so friendly, constructive, and yet everyone said something nice about each story piece that was read. Three people had brought work to share, and copies to allow people to make comments on or help correct. They were read allowed one by one with great discussion following each about strengths as well as ways to improve. I found it immensely helpful, and not like some writers groups where you end up leaving with tears in your eyes, and your papers in ribbons. I look forward to next months meeting, and now I guess I should start working on something to bring. I'm more then a little nervous about letting people that I don't really know yet look at my work, but how can you improve if no one ever sees it? My other challenge is to actually write something to share. At this point in time I think you could say I haven't been inspired in the creative story department, I mean come on my life reads like a poorly written tragedy at this point, and getting in the mood to write something sounds slightly daunting. I guess that I should just start writing short little pieces see what develops, and not worry about whether it is a C.S. Lewis masterpiece. Let this encourage you though to go try something new! I'm sure that no matter where you live you can get involved with something that interests you!!

Otherwise, mom left this morning to head home after her wonderful two week stay. I had to do a little praying tonight though as I laid in bed, because I have been doing much better the past week or so, and I guess I almost felt like the injured bird having to use his wings again for the first time since he broke them. Its that fear of falling again, that the loneliness, sleeplessness, and emotional junk will come raging back stronger then before. Jesus was good though, and as I laid there praying he put the phrase "...wait on the Lord, and be of good courage..." in my mind. What a great reminder! In my weakness He is strong, I don't have to be able to handle it on my own, and better yet I need to remember to take one day at a time!! I know that there will still be hard/bad days, but Jesus never leaves us, even in the hard times He is there, and He wants us to rely on Him. Thankfully with my awesome family, and wonderful God I'm going to keep on keeping on!

Hmmm

I couldn't think of a title, so sorry!

The past couple days have not had anything specific or exciting to write about. Mostly due to the fact that I've been at work, which happened to be a decent couple of days, but unless you want to hear about babies, snot, children that don't want to breath, vital signs, and SFL's famous "code browns" that were more like code greens then there is not much to say. On the other hand I have continued to think about life here. The book that I'm still working on (While the Heart Waits) has been really great! Written by an Episcopalian women in Anderson, SC the book revolves around her personal journey through a sort of mid-life crisis, and how the Lord taught her the value of waiting. It seems so funny that I've been so into some books mainly written for 40 somethings when I still get the whole "are you 16?". Oh well - it doesn't subtract from the great ideas and true struggles in this book. Part of me at this point in time would love to pick up and get out before the going gets worse, but "running" isn't me, and neither is it what Jesus would have us do (although it is so appealing). In reality what will change? Sure you may have a new environment, or closer people that you know, but God always finds a way for us to work through our issues, and if we abandon ship for another boat we'll find ourselves in the same storm later on down the road. Personally why not learn my lesson now, or at least attempt too? We will see how my body does as to whether I look into switching to a day shift job, or what changes that brings. Otherwise, I'm getting involved in some activities in the area, and hopefully that is going to make a big difference.

Making my way

Well, the last couple days have been suprisingly good; granted I've been at work for them, but still every good day is one step up. Tomorrow I'm forcing myself to take a trip to the doctor - I'm such a bad patient. I should know better, but I pretty much need to be dying for me to go, as I'm just not a big fan. Hopefully though we'll get some good answers from the blood work I'm going to get, hehe the doctor just doesn't know yet that I'm getting it. I'll let you know how things go ;-). Otherwise, I'm all set to activitize (like my new word?) my life! My mom has been such a good sport about looking stuff up, and planning for some activities to start. I know I'm a little scattered tonight (I blame it on tiredness), but I thought I should give you all a little update - and hopefully I'll have a better one soon!

The Daily Struggle

First of all - thanks to you all for the prayers and sweet comments that you've posted. I really appreciate them all, even though at times I feel like I depress everyone around me, and I hate that. However, maybe some of this will help you guys at some point. Also, know that if you EVER need a shoulder to cry on believe me I am always here, and now I have so much empathy I'll probably cry with you hehe.

How funny it is that at one moment I am doing alright, and getting through while the next minute my stomach is in knots, and I'm struggling. This is such a weird season for me! At church tonight I had a really good reminder about how God's power is best displayed through our weaknesses, but man...this is not fun. Haha, that is hilarious! Why do I expect my struggles and weaknesses to be easy? Doesn't that contradict the whole point of a weakness? I guess I just think that I shouldn't have to go through this, that dealing with the physical is soo much easier then the emotional; boy was I wrong. *sigh*. You know how you have a picture in your mind of the perfect wedding, house, or kids? Yeah, well I had the perfect idea of what life would look like. I mean heck I've dealt with a lot over my 23 years, right? I was like; "I have this under control - I can deal with this". HAHAHA - yeah right, I didn't see this curve ball...so can't handle it. I'm like the kid that looks up at their Dad saying "Dad I thought I could do it myself, but I totally messed it up. Can you fix it?" (SFL - no panicking ;p).

My mom has been here for the past week or so, and that has been an awesome support, but unfortunately it doesn't fix it all. Can you be bipolar, depressed, and anxious all at the same time?? :p I know that working through things take time, but part of me wishes that I had a guarantee that I was working towards something. Right now its hard, I'm looking to the future, trying my best to eat well, focus on the good, get involved with people here (i.e. not being so isolated), and really get back to the Lord. Maybe it just takes time. I guess I'm trying not to change everything in my life, and instead give things time to help. Its easy to wonder if I should attempt to move to day shift at all cost (i.e. switching jobs), if I need to go talk to "someone" (/e thinks that I would tell them I same things I say here - and what are they going to say?), or explore the thought that all this originates from some physical ailment. Poor Paul!! How I can understand his "thorn in the flesh"!

Maybe this is Gods' way to strip my pride? It is so hard for me to look people in the face and say that actually life sucks right now. I feel like I'm always the one with a smile, and to have the table turned is very humiliating in a way because I feel like one of those people on Dr Phill who we all laugh at saying how messed up their lives are, and "if only they knew Jesus". Well, here I am, a roller coaster mess. I really do hope that this is a God lesson, but you know what - even if it isn't does that mean His is in any less control of it? No. I guess I just want the assurance that there is an end to this, that I'm going to get "back to normal", that I'm not going to turn into some permanent mental case. Well, on a positive note - if that happens I guess I can quit work, get disability (for some mental disorder), and learn to knit. Haha, ok I don't think that is going to happen, or at least I'm clinging to the hope that it won't. I've always felt that God has a plan for me (not that I know what that is). I think I'm rambling, but somehow you guys on here have been an awesome life-line for me to just pour out my mess. It's not pretty, it's not even something you probably want to read, but it's my story, so thanks for listening.

Forging Ahead

Once again we are looking down the long hallway of the coming year hopefully with anticipation verses the available and often appealing selection of negativity that so often clouds our minds. I am actually excited for this new year, knowing that this Fall has been much the season of shedding; dropping the leaves I kept to surround my lonely and not so visually attractive branches (fyi - its an analogy). How funny it is that I would love to jump right to spring, to see the beautiful blossoms emerge from the cold and dull limbs. However, the critical part is winter - that season of solitude; a place where surrounded by snow and frigid air the life source of the tree dives deep into the ground pushing its roots farther out, that it might be sustained in the harshest of environments. If winter was skipped the blossoms that follow would be an empty display, and not a wondrous celebration of survival and hidden growth. Growth that can not even be fully appreciated until later when hardships befall, and the deep roots have a source of life that was created in that place of "winter". Hehe, like my analogies? Ok, so maybe that isn't the life cycle of a tree at all, but it seems like there are so many things in life that the Lord surrounded us with to help us process. 

It was really interesting, the other night I was alternating between reading the Shack, When the Heart Waits, and my Bible when I kind of got this cool revelation. If you have already thought about this, ooor you think my discovery is weird/wrong I understand but once again its my blog so bear with me. Anyways, so in Genesis 22 God tells Abraham to take his only son Isaac to this land called Moriah, and on one of the Mountains sacrifice his as a burnt offering to God. Now I don't know about you but I always thought about this story as God trying to test the obedience of Abraham, a test which he passes, and God (at the last moment) spares Isaac's life providing a ram as the offering instead. While I was thinking about this, it really hit me that this is really like God showing us (from His perspective) how much he loves us. If you think about the story substitute God for Abraham; you and me, for Isaac; and Jesus for the ram. Think about how Abraham's heart was breaking thinking about the imminent death of his only son. How much more did God's heart break with the knowledge that we were bound for eternal death? Did Isaac fight his father? Asking him what the HECK he was thinking as Abraham made him carry the own wood that he would burn upon? Nope! Isaac trusted his father, that he would not do anything that wasn't in his best interest. How often to I complain to God as I'm carrying my wood up some mountain? How often do I plot and plan some way to get rid of what I carry, thinking that somehow if God loved me I wouldn't have to go through this. Yet was it because Abraham didn't love Isaac that he made him work to walk up the mountain? No, of course not! Imagine the horrid pit filling Abraham's gut as they got closer to the top of the mountain, he adored his son, after all Isaac was the fulfilled promise from God; it wasn't suppose to end this way. I just got this cool visual picture of God relating to us in the same way. 

-Now the story has limits of course, because it wasn't like God is under some other authority, or that God doesn't know the end to the story, but for the sake of my personal revelation try to hang in there with me.

How amazing to think about the provision of God that when "we" are laying on the alter we built with our own hands, with the very wood God had us carry up the mountain, that God provides a substitute. Jesus chose to be like that Ram caught in the briars, placed that He might be used as a burnt offering, the fragrance of His death going up and pleasing the very heart of His Father. I thought that it was a cool picture, albeit a slightly different way to look at that story. 

See my musings can be interesting from time to time...Stay tuned for more from the inner workings of my mind!!

Theory Behind the Midlife Crisis

Once again, I must insist that whatever you read here should be no cause for panic, I am no Emo kid (/e points to google search engine) with suicidal inclinations. Actually, far from it. I am more in a soul searching, midlife crisis sort of time. I know - I know; you can tell me all you want that midlife crisis are for the 40s+ generation (sorry guys), but definately not for me.

The funny thing about "midlife" is that it is the time where all the things that we have surrounded ourselves with that keep up busy seem to fall away. Look at the average person. They finish highschool and either get married right then, or go to college, getting married shortly after graduation. Then come kids, sleep overs, homework, sports, clubs, as well as keeping up with work and your home. I think that we can so often surround ourselves with so much business so that we don't have to answer the question that always looms like a dark cloud on the horizon. Is there anything in life that truely matters? I mean come on now - be honest. How much of what we do avoids the painful sitting in the quiet place asking ourselves how much of our lives are like filler fluff? Can I call it my Ecclesiastes moment?

Growing up I never understood that book, it seemed to go against my optomistic spirit. Now, I think I'm going to take a good look at the wisdom hidden in such sarcastic words. I think in reality we have to come to a place where we understand that there is NOTHING in this life that will somehow give us the fulfillment that we crave. What then is the point to this life? It's about relationship with Jesus. That sounds like the cookie cutter answer, but more and more I think that it's true. Is it wrong to fill our lives with business? No. People were made for company, to interact with others (/e quotes Genesis). However, I guess that it's too easy to lose focus that our primary target is refining our own hearts in the heat of the fire God places in our lives, and some of those fires will revolve around interactions with others (i.e iron sharpens iron), and some of our ability to interact with people will come out of the refined places of our hearts. I don't know if that makes any sense...but once again this is my place to vent so you'll have to bear with me.

Someone once told me that the "here and now" was kind of like school, that it was a training time before true life began. That the short time we have here is a place to grown in the Lord, knowing that the lessons (albeit hard ones) that we go through now are refining us into the true people that the Lord created to fellowship with and live in the New Earth (after the 2nd coming). I must be rambling...Well, I promised I would update, so I think this will have to do for now. I'm hanging in there!! More to come soon!

The Dark Place

So...I'll give you a little disclaimer prior to you delving into this post, that I have been in a bit of a dark time lately, and if you aren't up to it you may want to hold off reading. However, this is my blog, and so you have to put up with me.

That said, I am sitting here on my couch at 2am feeling the tears run down my face, knowing that I'll look like a sun burnt marshmallow tomorrow. You may be wondering what is with all these uncharacteristic emotions, and the honest truth; I wish I knew. I guess that is part of the frustration. I would like to have a solid answer and why, but what do I have? Nothing; darkness, emptiness, whatever adjective you want to describe the swirling hole that has settled in my soul. Its funny you know...actually ironic...I have always seen myself as being unemotional to a fault, and now I cry over everything. Wow, I'm not sure I should be typing this, but its the best way for me to put into words my struggle, and all I can do is pray that the Lord uses my darkness to pull you closer to him.

I guess I should say that this point has been beginning since I went on a weekend trip this Fall, and experienced almost an anxiety attack when I went to sleep each night. I contributed it to switching from nights to days. However, it has persisted to be almost every morning when I would lay down to sleep, and now it seems that my life is enveloped in some internal struggle. I have contemplated whether its work, sleep (or the lack there of), money, spiritual attack, illness, loneliness, stress, etc that is causing this, but I have no answers. You know what is funny? I feel like I am standing on an empty road, a cross breeze blowing my hair across my face as I look backwards down the road. I can see the times in my life when these feelings had not yet taken root; when even in the hard times I wasn't afraid to wake up or go to sleep. Perhaps struggles are only half as painful because we have a prior - a time before them that seems to mock us from the safety of the past. There I stand on that road, not wanting to look ahead because all I can see is a barren wilderness, and yet the emptiness of it all propels me forward out of sheer need. One thing I can say is that this darkness has pulled me back from a place of wandering from the Lord to a tender place on my knees. It has given me a totally new mercy for people that have struggled with this for years, and if I didn't have my family and a God who -even in the midst of it all I know is bigger - then I think I would crumble. There is this song by Tenth Avenue North which rings so true in my heart, and maybe it will for you too.

"How long must I pray, must I pray to You? How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me. I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the dropping rain, One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
Cuz I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will you run to me?

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't sleep but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name."

I have no answers, I wish I did. All I can say is that if you have ever gone through something that you feel like sucks every last piece of life and hope out of you, don't give up; keep pressing on. Books like The Shack and When the Heart Waits have been like silk string holding me up from this hole; fragile and yet in the moment the strongest thing keeping you from free falling. Who knows where this will take me. I have contemplated everything from quiting work to going to therapy, and everything in between. One thing I do know; things can't stay the same. I am going to make a conscious effort to make relationships here, to get active, and to get involved in community, although right now that seems unappealing.

In 1933 Franklin D. Roosevelt stated in his inaugural address; "...let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance". That statement is so true!! In the midst of fear is actually when pressing head on is the MOST important! I remember one time when I was little being taken on my first Ferris Wheel ride by my dad, and part way up the clutches of panic tore at me as I looked down at the ground growing farther away. Instead of telling me to shut my eyes, I remember my dad having me quote out loud 2 Timothy 1:7. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and a strong mind." I have never forgotten that verse. You would think that with all this in mind I could some how just deal - but I suppose that is the twisted way emotions and dark times work. There is no logic sometimes, and there is no quick fix. All I can say is "Jesus come and take my sinful, broken heart and bring me back to you. Don't give me more then I can handle, and help me to remember that there is no dark hole that you can't light up". That said, if anyone actually made it through that whole post please be praying with me that I could rest in God (apart from fear which is not from Him). Thanks for bearing with me through an excruciatingly long post. I have been meaning to type up something about this, and I guess tonight was it. I'm sure I will be posting again soon, thank you for giving me room to air out my thoughts!

Merry Christmas!

It is hard to believe that another year has come and gone!! I had started another post about some of the stuff that I've been going through this Fall, but I think a summary would do. This Fall has been very challenging for me, as with any move it can be hard to get adjusted, and I think that I have been dealing with a good bit of lonelyness. However, I am hoping to be on the upward swing, with some help from my God and my amazing family. I will keep you updated as I try to make a concious effort to get out of the house on my days off and do some fun activities to stay connected with people. I think that God has been doing some work on my heart to, which hasn't been fun, but it has been good, and I know that the outcome will be worth it!! One thing that was helpful during this season, was a book that my mom had been asking me to read since this summer. Sometimes there are just perfect times to read things, and the Shack was definately a book I needed to read now. If you haven't read it I would recommend that you do. I know that you may have heard some conflicting comments about it, and it may not really be in your "religous" comfort zone. However, if you want a book that will stretch you, and open your eyes to a different view of God then you may ever have had then you'll like this book. Hehe, that was my little push for my newest read ;-).

Otherwise, we were able to enjoy some days with my parents prior to Christmas which was soo fun. I am a very fortunate person to have an amazing family that excluding occasional spats really gets along very well. Although Christmas hasn't really seemed like what it was when I was a kid, it definately is still wonderful as long as you're with the people you love. I hope that you all have a blessed holiday season, and a fabulous start to your New Year.

O Christmas Tree

I know that everyone says that you should never put up your Christmas tree before Thanksgiving, however this year we are breaking the rule due to the fact that our family is coming into town for our big family Thanksgiving/Christmas. That said, my sister and I finally got our tree and blasted the Christmas music while setting it up and decorating. It was so much fun! We went with red and gold with white lights, and a nice red/gold bow at the top. I looks awesome, and much to our suprise the cat has not made a true effort at knocking it over - I'm so proud! I will definately have to do an update to all the festivities this weekend, so stay tuned.

Update

Time for another blogging update at an atrocious time of the night for most of you. My last several days off I have done a major cleaning out of my computer hard drive, which has caused me to think that I am just computer savvy enough to be dangerous. On some levels it was a great thing seeing as I had sooo much junk clogging up my computer space, and I was brutal in deleting files and programs. I mean - I had old documents from high school saved, and tons of PowerPoint's from nursing school...I probably could have taught four years of school just from my saved files (its scary in there!). Thus, I deleted, and deleted in the hope to open up a lot more space on my C: drive. Mm, ok the honest truth...I am a total computer nerd!! I was prompted to do this whole Fall cleaning due to the fact that I was wanting to download a new program on to my computer. The sad fact is that even after deleting tons of crap...I still am short like 2GB of space, which has me thinking that the program is entirely to large, and I should just forgo the whole adventure. We'll see who knows, perhaps I'll get bored and decide to upgrade my computer by hand, muahaha (as my computer attempts to hide). Yeah for being bored at 3am!!! Stay tuned for further updates, I'll try to remember to keep you posted on the computer. ;-)

Leaves

Today was one of those chilly, dreary, sprinkly kind of days. It was so appealing to have some fresh air, so I went outside to rake the backyard. I think that there must have been half a foot of leaves on the ground, because I now have three giant piles in my yard - I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do with them, I guess I need to see if the city picks them up...Oh, the joys!

This week I've been trying to decide if I want to start graduate school this coming semester, due to the fact that work will pay for it. However, I'm not yet sure what I want to do - and to be honest the thought of starting school again is slightly repulsive, so I guess we'll wait and see. It is a very nice benefit to have a degree like that on my resume, but.....yeah..........